“Come in, Junior. You’re three hours late.”

“I got lost on the way over, and then in the elevator. Then my shoelace came undone and Eric wasn’t there to retie it, so I cried for a little while.”

“Greeeeeeat. Let’s get started. My name’s Mr. Jenkins, and you want to hire me to be your attorney.”

“Oh, no. I don’t need an attorney. I need a lawyer.”

“They’re synonyms.”

“No, thank you. I’m not hungry.”

“Let’s start again.”

“Should I walk back outside?”

“No, you’ll get lost in the hall.”

“I totally got lost in the hall. There’s so many doors!”

“Mr. Trump–”

“SHIT! My dad’s here!?”

“–what we need to–no. No, I was referring to you.”

“Oh. No one calls me Mr. Trump.”

“I’m shocked.”

“Are these mints?”

“Those are pens, Junior.”

“Okay, cool.”


“Which means you can’t eat them.”

“Well, you should have said that.”

“Can we get down to business, please?”

“Sure. What does my father owe you?”

“A moment’s peace. But this is not about that yet. We need to talk about you, Junior.”

“My favorite color is blue, and I like humpback whales the best.”

“Don’t start sharing just yet.”

“Oh, I don’t share.”

“Wonderful. Junior, if I’m going to take this case, then you need to stop talking to the media.”

“Even the fake media?”


“But if they’re fake media, then they’re not really media, are they? So I can talk to them?”

“No! You can’t discuss anything with anyone but your lawyer.”



“Does this mean my wife has to order for me in restaurants?”

“You can talk to waiters, Junior.”

“What if they ask me about Russia?”

“Why would a waiter ask you about Russia?”

“Salad dressing?”


“Mrs. Woods, can you bring me some Advil?”


“Bring the whole bottle, please.”


“Junior, you cannot talk to the newspapers. You cannot talk to the teevee stations. You cannot tweet.”

“What if I have a really dank meme?”

“Okay, I’m a serious human being, so I have no fucking idea what that means. You must not comment in public on anything related to the Russia investigation.”

“No Russia, no Russia.”

“That’s not actually a legal defense.”

“Do I need to say it three times to make it official?”


“Mrs. Woods, can you also bring me my special coffee?”

“It’s 11 in the morning, sir.”

“Did I stutter, woman?”


“Are you on your phone?”

“Met this hot chick on Tinder. Nyt Imes. What kind of name is that?”

“It’s not a name. You’re talking to the New York Times.”

“Oh. But they’re fake news.”

“Uh-huh. What did you just say to them?”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Oh, good.”

“I just sent some pics from that meeting I had with that Russian chick. My hair looks great.”

“You sent pictures of your treasonous meeting with the Kremlin operative to the New York fucking Times?”

“I didn’t understand several of the words in that sentence.”

“Give me your phone, jackass.”

“Joke’s on you. Passcode, sucker.”


“How did you know!?”


“Are you a wizard? If I ask, you have to tell me. That’s the law.”

“Yes, Junior. I’m a wizard.”


“Right. Y’know, before we discuss anything else, let’s talk about your retainer.”

“I accidentally threw it away in middle school.”

“I should have been a doctor.”

“Me, too.”