Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Donald Trump Meets Secretary Of State Candidates


“General? Where’s my general?”

“Right here, sir.”

“General Kelly? General?”

“Stop looking all around the room, Mr. President.”


“I’m just gonna tap you on the shoulder.”

“Oh, there you are. General, this is a big day. Maybe the biggest day in White House history. Have I shown you the Lincoln Bedroom?”

“Dozens of times, sir.”

“Beautiful bedroom, Republican bedroom. Lincoln was a Republican, which most people don’t know. Even though he had a beard, he was a Republican. Wild, right?”

“Crazy, sir. We should get to the auditions for Secretary of State.”

“Ring-Dings first.”

“After the first candidate, sir.”

“Are you trying to manage me, General!? Do I need to be managed like a little fucking baby!? I’m not a fucking baby! Gimme my Ring-Dings!”


“Ooh, Ring-Ding.”

“I’ll invite the first candidate in, sir.”

“Great, sure, okay, fine, Ring-Ding.


“Ahh! Jesus! The inner-city!”

“Mr. President, that’s former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.”

“I knew that. I told you that. I knew that much, much more than anyone thought, but I surprised them and beat 32 people to get the nomination. Conestoga?”

“My name is Condoleeza, Mr. President.”

“Is that your real name or your rap name?”

“I am not going to answer that question.”

“I know all the rap guys. Good friends of mine. Diddy, I know Diddy. Big money guy, real killer. Lil Jon was on The Apprentice. Excellent player, good at the game. Snoop. Tall. Very tall, Snoop. They all tell me, ‘Mr. Trump, thank you for your inspiration.’ I played golf with Ja Rule.”

“Good for you, sir.”



“–I’m very interested in you being thee next Secretary of State in order to open up relations with Wakanda, but I’m gonna need to see your birth certificate.”

“I’m outta here.”


“I turned her down. You saw that, General.”

“Yes, sir. Sent her packing.”

“The best people, all the great, talented people: they all want a piece of the White House. I get–and you know this is true, General–the best people in the world. They’re knocking down the door, the best people.”



“Oh, I think you’ll like this candidate, President Trump. Come on in!”


“What the hell is that thing?”

“This is the IT-O Interrogator droid.


“Is it just gonna hover there?”

“That’s what it does, sir.”

“No. Gotta have legs. You know who doesn’t have legs, General? Snakes, sharks, Tammy Duckworth. Can’t trust anything without legs, very important, some people say in the top five limbs. You ever see what the Koreans are doing with their legs?”

“I don’t know, sir.”

“Killing us! They’re laughing at us with their legs. Gotta have legs.”



“General, I’m not impressed by your picks. I make the most wonderful picks, and you’re just blowing it. Maybe I do Secretary of State? I do a comprehensive, put everything together. I mean, I took care of Rocket Man, bing bang dong. It was easy, easy, and Obama couldn’t do it. Both Bushes, Daddy and Whatever, they couldn’t do it. Hillary sent North Korea plutonium as a Christmas present, and then she tried to pass a law that you couldn’t say ‘Merry Christmas.’ I saw a tape of it, believe me. The worst.”

“Yes, sir. Perhaps this next fellow will be more to your liking.”

“Robble robble.”


“Robble robble.”

“You look so good, very handsome.”

“Robble robble.”

“Thank you, it’s from the Trump Tie Collection, which are probably the greatest neckties ever sold. I’ve had so many people call me up. Kid Rock. Can you believe that? He calls me and says, ‘Mr. Trump, I’m a rocker guy, I don’t do neck ties, but I had this fancy thing to attend and I put on one of your ties and, like, wow.’ Kid Rock said it was the most comfortable tie he’d ever worn, which is a great compliment to me, a beautiful compliment. Kid Rock.”

“Robble robble.”

“We can work out your salary, we can work out the money, don’t worry about the money. I think you’re my guy. We should celebrate. Let’s get some burgers.”

“Robble robble?”


“Robble robble!”


“What happened? General?”

“Well, he’s got a hamburger for a head. You basically accused him of being a cannibal.”

“Fake news.”

“Yes, sir. Never happened.”

“Is Mayor McCheese available?”

“We’re going to have the same problem there, too, sir.”

“Now I want burgers.”

“Yes, sir. What should we do about Secretary of State?”

“Who’s the fatty running the CIA?”

“Mike Pompeo.”

“He’ll do.”

1 Comment

  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    March 15, 2018 at 3:29 pm

    Pigpen wudda been a great SoS!

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