Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Donald Trump Responds To Random Books From My Shelves*

  • Catch-22, Joseph Heller. (“I’ll give you a catch-22: when Crooked Hillary railroads and badgers people into lying for her, and then I accuse their dead son of being in ISIS then I’m the bad guy? Wow. This shows how rigged and unfair the rigged, unfair media is to me. Who wrote their script? Was it plagiarized? Why don’t people ask these things instead of lying about me? Is there a possibility that Crooked Hillary killed that Army captain herself just to have his parents speak at her convention? I wouldn’t put it past her. Lots of people are asking that.”)
  • Pulphead: Essays, John Jeremiah Sullivan. (“Michael Bloomberg can’t be president. Lot of reasons. I’ve met him, but I don’t know him. He’s never used my toilet, and I have the best toilet you’ve ever seen. Gold. Mirrors. Jets and sprays, everything. Great toilet, but Michael Bloomberg wouldn’t know. We’ve played golf, and I was better at golf. Hitting, putting. He’s got these tiny little clubs. Like chopsticks or something. Very bad with snow. He calls me up and asks me to help remove snow, so I sat down with snow and got a great deal. No one gets better deals with weather than Donald Trump.”)
  • Face the Music, Paul Stanley with David Ritz. (“I have no Russian debt. If I was going to have debt, it would be from New York. Many banks call me up and beg me to borrow their money, but I am very liquid. Lot of cash, and sometimes I swim in it like Scrooge McDuck. Backstroke, breast, whatever. I can even do the butterfly, and that is a very difficult stroke. Many people say that I swim in my money vaults better than Scrooge McDuck, but no one reports on that.”)
  • Transmetropolitan: Back on the Street, Warren Ellis and Darick Robertson (“Hillary Clinton created ISIS. Everyone knows this. Not because she was a weak Secretary of State, though she was the weakest ever, just the worst, very corrupt, but because she used the money from her Wall Street speeches to fund ISIS’ creation. Directly. She directly created ISIS. Interviewed the first guys personally, did the hiring. Very bad person. I don’t know if Hillary is still picking out the targets for terrorism herself. Maybe she lets Huma Abedin, who is a Radical Muslim Islamic Terrorist, choose.”)
  • Notes From Underground, Fyodor Dostoevsky. (“I have never met Vladimir Putin, but I am sure that I can deal with him. He says very nice things about me, about how strong I am, and how handsome I am. How can I say he’s a bad guy? But I don’t know him. He’s never used my bathroom, but like I said, he would be very impressed by it. We’ve never gone camping. I have seen pictures of Mr. Putin on his horse, and he looks very strong, but I have never been horseback riding with him. I’ve never talked to him on the phone. We’ve never shared a dish of spaghetti and slurped on the same long strand and almost kissed. Don’t know the guy.”)
  • The Last Train to Zona Verde, Paul Theroux. (“Many generals have told me that if Crooked Hillary is elected, then there’s gonna be a coup. Many have told me that, trust me. This is what I hear. ‘Mr. Trump,’ the generals say to me, many generals and also admirals and whatever the Marines have, ‘Crooked Hillary wants to take the military’s guns and turn us into transgenders.’ Hillary has said this in many speeches, but no one reports on it. First day in office, she’ll take the military’s guns and and their you know. You know. She’ll cut it right off. Will she give it to ISIS, which she founded? I don’t know.”)
  • Hogfather, Terry Pratchett. (“Roger Goodell, who I do not know and has never been in my office, came to my office. Begging. On his knees. Offered me things, I’m not gonna say what, you can imagine. ‘Move the debates, Mr. Trump.’ Crooked Hillary wants them up against NFL games. Her voters, what do they watch? Telemundo in the middle of the day? BET? Not football fans. Hillary doesn’t like football. She likes lying and murdering American servicemen.”)
  • The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman, Laurence Sterne (“Putin has not gone into Crimea. Crimea is part of Russia. He went back there. Strong move, good move. Ukrainians were happy about that. Many Ukrainians have told me that they love Putin, who I have never met. One of the five languages my wife Melania, who is acknowledged as one of the great beauties, speaks is Ukrainian. One of her college degrees is in Ukrainian, actually. Great at languages. Putin, who I have never retweeted, was invited into Crimea and he’s not even there I mean, he’s there in a certain way, but he’s not there. How do we know Putin wasn’t chasing ISIS into Crimea? If so, we should thank him. Very strong move.”)
  • So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish, Douglas Adams. (“Crooked Hillary lies about everything. Why did her father buy Lee Harvey Oswald that rifle? She denies it, but we know what’s really going on. Hillary Clinton doesn’t know how to win, and she doesn’t know how to tell the truth. I beat 17 other people in the primaries, and she didn’t beat anyone. I mean, she beat Bernie in a certain way, but barely. Barely. I beat 17 Christians, and she had trouble with one Jew. That’s weak. “)
  • Stairway to Heaven: Led Zeppelin Uncensored, Richard Cole. (“How can I release my tax returns with so much Radical Islamic Muslim Terrorism happening? That’s the kind of thing they’ll use against America. That would make America less great, and that’s not who I am. I want more great. Instead of asking about my tax returns, which are fine, trust me, why doesn’t the dishonest media ask Crooked Hillary to install a 24-hour webcam on herself? She talks about transparency, but then she votes for the Iraq War and refuses to appear on 24-hour webcam. Sad!”)

*Written by people I do not know.


  1. Luther Von Baconson

    August 1, 2016 at 4:43 am

    vlad & the donald

  2. I loved Pulphead, thought it was great stuff. Haven’t heard much from JJS lately.

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