• Oven Roasted Shrimp, $15. (“I get bigger shrimp. Never been to this place, but I can tell you about my shrimp. Huge shrimp. Can’t even call them shrimp. Whenever I eat shrimp, many people tell me that I eat the biggest shrimp. And this is certified. Gotta have it certified. Not just making things up: I have the biggest shrimp.”)
  • Creamy Hummus, $13. (“President Obama got boned on the Iran deal. Weak. Whose side was he on? Terrible deal because our negotiators are losers. Just real nowhere guys. And they’re going up against Persians? Very good negotiators, the Persians. I have many rugs I did not mean to buy, but they’re the best rugs you’ve ever seen. The stitching. Colors. The best rugs. None of them fly. My wife Melania, who speaks five languages, tested all of them. She said all the magic words she knew. No flying.”)
  • Phil’s Scramble, $13. (“No one can beat me in Indian leg wrestling. Where you lay down and hook your leg with the other guy? No one can beat me. I’ve been very successful in Indian leg wrestling and a lot of media outlets have been unfair about it. Where are the stories about Trump’s powerful legs? What about Trump’s core strength? You can’t be a successful Indian leg wrestler without core strength, and I am a very successful Indian leg wrestler. I beat The Rock. Dwayne Johnson. Friend of mine. Beat him every time.”)
  • Chilaquiles, $15. (“Used to be steak and eggs. Remember steak and eggs? Your mom would make it for you. Then your wife would make it for you. Some people like hash browns, but I don’t. It’s a weak potato. Baked? Strong. Hash browns are stupid. Loser way to take your potato. No more, I guess. No more steak. Forget eggs. Now it’s chickiequickie, chillywilly, chappaquiddick. I can’t pronounce it. What happened to American breakfasts? I’m gonna build a wall around breakfast and make Mexico pay for it.”)
  • Sweet Potato Latkes, $8. (“I can be more presidential than any president. I can president the best. Some people say Lincoln. Maybe they’re right. Top hat. Others like Roosevelt. Pearl Harbor won’t be attacked when I’m president. So I think I win that one. Obama? Clinton? Come on. Reagan is tough. Great man. Tall. Very presidential, but I think I might have it. Nancy Reagan was not as attractive as Melania. I know she just died. God bless her. Not as attractive, so I think I’m the whole package.”)
  • Phil’s Focaccia Chicken Sandwich, $12. (“There’s gonna be a recession, but I can fix it. Easy. Obama made a recession. It’s coming. I wrote about it one of my books. I have written many books. First one was Art of the Deal. Big hit. Huge hit. Very big for me, and I also sold t-shirts and mugs. For years, Hollywood wants to turn it into a movie. I’ve done Saturday Night Live twice and got many laughs. What other businessman is on SNL? Carl Icahn is a very good friend of mine. Tremendous businessman. Very rich. Never been on Saturday Night Live.”)
  • Huevos Rancheros, $14. (“Are the huevos here legally? That’s the first thing you have to ask. An illegal huevo isn’t a bad huevo. Some are good. Some don’t rape. But they’re taking jobs from huevos who are here legally. Filled out paperwork. Gotta wait in line. The huevos love me. If they’re here legally? The huevos love me.”)
  • Zucchini bread, $3.5. (“Strong bread. Good bread. See? Americans are doing great things. We put zucchini in bread. That’s not where zucchini goes, but Americans don’t care. Wonderful bread. You can just eat that. Other breads need to be part of a sandwich. Not zucchini bread. Zucchini bread is his own man.”)
  • Challah French Toast Stuffed With Strawberries & Marscapone Cheese, $13. (“When I announced my campaign at Trump Tower, it was huge. Biggest announcement ever. People were cheering, and then I said the thing about immigration. That was very big for me. Many stories. My wife Melania was there and she is acknowldged as one of the great beauties. The escalator was very long and impressive, and I ride escalators very well. People know me as a successful businessman, but they haven’t seen me ride escalators.
  • Eggs Benedict Your Way, #13. (“I called Marco ‘Little Marco’ because he was short. Jeb Bush has very low energy, so I called him ‘Low-Energy Jeb.’  Ted Cruz likes to lie, so I call him ‘Lyin’ Ted.’ I come up with these myself. I have ideas for both Hillary and Bernie, but I won’t tell you them yet. They’re very accurate.”)