- Harry Truman. (“President. Very strong. Some think he should have dropped the bomb on Korea. Might not be wrong. We still could. Still could. Had a daughter. Played piano. Bess. Ivanka is much more attractive.”)
- Doris Day. (“Very attractive in her day. Got old. Maybe dead. Probably dead. My wife, Melania, is better any day. She’s been called one of the most beautiful women in the world. Melania, not Doris Day. Probably dead.”
- Red China. (“Now we’re talking. Laughing at us. Eating our lunch with chopsticks. Terrible, our deals. Terrible. When did Billy write this song? 90’s? Still a problem. Nothing’s changed. Sorry, Billy. Obama failed you.”)
- Johnny Ray. (“Christie Brinkley. Billy was punching out of his weight class on that one. Christie was almost as attractive as some of the women I have married. I mean that as a compliment. I’m much more handsome than Billy.”)
- South Pacific. (“Billy was my guest at Mar-A-Lago. Best property in America. My guest. On the house. He behaved with no class. Crashed his helicopter into the stables. Many dead horses, some truly great horses. Drank all my scotch.”)
- Walter Winchell. (“Drunk. Sloppy. I got one of the best golf courses in the world. Gotta wear pants on it. Billy can’t wear pants. He says it’s hot. Dopey and drunk and punching caddies. Good tipper, though. Over the weekend, he got married and bitterly divorced three times. Out of control.”)
- Joe DiMaggio. (“Sneakers and suits. C’mon. Be a grown-up. Not the one to make America great again.”)
Can we stop this, please?
I was having fun. There’s only 62 more verses.