• GlowBowl Motion Activated Toilet Nightlight, $16.99 (“I’ve got the best toilets. Not just because they’re the most expensive, which they are. Great toilets. Button for everything. Different flush for number one and number two. Smart. They say I’m not an environmentalist, but I own the best toilets.”)
  • Petcube Interactive Wi-Fi Pet Camera, $148.98 (“Somebody should put one of these in Lyin’ Ted’s house. Keep an eye on him. Next couple weeks gonna be rough. Might leave the car running. Never know. That would be sad, but at least he has a vice-president if something happens. People tell me it’s time to unify the party, but I’m gonna keep doing this.”)
  • iRobot Roomba 880, $594.99 (“Excellent product. Every Roomba is one less Mexican. That’s not a racist statement. People say Trump’s a racist, but it’s not racist to say that all Mexicans are illegal immigrants who clean floors. Not racist. They’re the racists. Maybe we’ll get robots to build the wall. Mexico’s gonna buy us robots to build the wall.”)
  • AmazonBasics 400 Thread Count Sheet Set, Queen, $31.49 (“That’s not enough threads. You need a lot more threads. At my property Mar-A-Lago, the sheets have thread counts into the millions. I hired a guy to count them. Big college professor. Couldn’t do it. Came to me and said, “Mr. Trump, I don’t understand what you want me to do.” You know what I did? I fired him. Yeah. I did that. Let’s bring that kind of decision-making to Washington.”)
  • Fisher Price Snugabunny Cradle ‘N Swing, $131.99 (“That’s for the wife. Diapers, rattles, whatever. That’s where the wife shines. Her personality comes through. I wouldn’t take that away from her. Melania, who is acknowledged as one of the great beauties, is the boss of all that. She can hire whatever nanny she wants. She’s great. Kid’s great. I make the best kids.”)
  • Yellow 12-Rung 15′ Durable Agility Ladder, $12.37 (“Many people have told me that I am the best ladder climber they’ve ever seen. I can go up, I can come back down. Stay at the top. Hold it for another guy. Anything to do with ladders, I can do it very well. We’re always building, so many properties, so much construction. Ladders everywhere. I go to a worksite, the men always want me to show them how I climb ladders. Sometimes I do, and they’re very impressed.”)
  • Swimline Classic 36″ Beach Ball, $5.44 (“I can’t respect seals. No pride. Sad. It bops the ball, it gets a fish. Who are the people coming to see? The seal. Does the seal own a piece of the show? Name above the title? No. Sad. Terrible negotiators, seals.”)
  • Kate Spade New York “Secret Garden” Stud Earrings, $35.99 (“I can beat Hillary. Not tough. Hope she doesn’t kill me like she killed Vince Foster. Might happen. Very devious woman. Terrible looking. Never attractive, but now she’s very old. I’m not gonna call her a bitch, but I’m gonna insinuate it many times. Won’t actually say the word.”)