Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Donald Trump Responds To Today’s Gold Medalists

Women’s 200M Breaststroke Final – Rie Kaneto, Japan (“Barack Obama founded the KKK. Absolutely. We know this. Is Obama a clone of Hitler? Tell me this: have you seen one shred of evidence that Obama is not a clone of Hitler? Nothing! No where, and I have sent teams of very private investigators to look for it. No one has investigators as private as mine. Hitler clone, right. Obama. Sure he’s black! Hitler’s sneaky. No one expecting black Hitler, and then? Black Hitler. Obama is black Hitler and remember that thing where the Tylenol got poisoned? Obama did that, too.”)

Women’s Epee,  Team – Romania (“I’m gonna win, but if I win, I win. Otherwise. I tell the truth. Can’t stop! I tell the best truth, unlike Crooked Hillary, who lies constantly. Constantly! You ask her what two plus two is, she might say ‘nine,’ and she might push you into the polar bear enclosure at a zoo because in addition to lying, Crooked Hillary enjoys murdering. Whatever an epee is, I’m sure Hillary has killed many people with it. Baseball bat. Machete. For a while, she liked bombs. You ever see Hillary in a hoodie with sunglasses? Maybe she was the Unabomber and she had the Department of Justice, which is corrupt and weak, frame the wrong man? Questions!”)

Canoe Slalom, Doubles – Ladislav Skantar and Peter Skantar, Slovakia (“The debates need to be fair. I have won every debate so far, beaten seventeen professional debaters. The club in high school? All these guys were in it. I had a girlfriend, but I don’t remember how many languages she spoke. Best girlfriend. These guys? C’mon. Everybody that came at me? Remember Chris Christie? Big Chris? I’m still beating him. Invited him to Mar-A-Lago and had Roger Stone slingshot McNuggets at him at the pool. Kept his shirt on in the water. Like we don’t know. Big Chris. Beat him!”)

Rowing, Men’s Quadruple Sculls – Germany (“Last rally I had 10,000 people, but the polls don’t reflect this. 14,000 in Miami, 45,000 in North Carolina. Crooked Hillary plays to empty rooms. Empty! In Arizona, we had three million people. You can check! And if it turns out not to be true, then you’re lying. A lot of haters. 50% of the media reports correctly on 30% of what I say. 10% are paid spies from the DNC. I hear this from many people, that a lot of so-called reporters are actually working for Hillary. I heard that about Joe Scarborough. Working for Hillary. Maybe Hillary killed that intern they found in his office. Maybe Ted Cruz’ father killed the intern they found in Joe Scarborough’s office. Both? Both!”)

Archery, Women’s Singles – Hyejin Chang, Korea (“Good sport for them. Already got the eye squinted. Good. What does it hurt us if South Korea falls? A lot of money goes that way, and not a lot comes this way. Need a better deal! If they can’t pay, they can’t pay. Who knows what happens, but whatever does will be Obama’s fault. This president, who is the worst president we’ve ever had and also he’s a grave-robber, is very weak on South Korea. Although that is a great wall. Between those two. That’s what we’re gonna have, but much better. Bigger. And we’re gonna make South Korea pay for it.”)

Cycling, Men’s Team Sprint – Great Britain (“Team is good, I’m great at teams. Teams need a leader, and I’m a leader, very strong, strong leader. I’m gonna stop illegal immigration, but you know who’s not a strong leader? President Obama. Needed help to start ISIS, which he started. Couldn’t do it without Hillary Clinton. Did President Obama, who is a Secret Muslim, convert Hillary to Secret Islam? They founded ISIS, the two of them. Like a start-up. Obama and Hillary in a garage in Libya, packing the explosive vests themselves. After President Obama and Hillary started the Iraq War, they were bored and wanted to destroy America some more. ISIS!”)

Rugby Sevens – Fiji (“I have my finger on the polls, and I can also smell if they’re biased. Many polls are biased, but how biased depends on how I feel about them at the time. Hillary’s numbers are terrible, terrible. Paying for things with change. I have heard this from many people. Change. Sad! right now, I’m probably up by eight or nine points. It looks like a landslide because people know Crooked Hillary will appoint unacceptable judges to the Supreme Court, almost certainly a black. And then what can you do? You’re stuck! Maybe, I don’t know, maybe gun-owners have to wait for her to visit Dallas? Go to the theater? Look what she’s forced people to do to make America great again. Evil!”)

Swimming, Women’s 100m Freestyle – Simone Manuel, USA (“Captain Khan was a werewolf, and his men had to shoot him to keep him from eating everyone. I have to tell the truth, I’m a truth-teller. But when the parents get up there and speak–well, one of them spoke–and say that Donald Trump doesn’t know what he’s talking about? They attack me just for telling the truth that their son was a werewolf? Hillary Clinton will not keep America safe from the threat of Radical Islamic Werewolves.”)

Rowing, Men’s Coxless Pairs – Eric Murray and Hamish Bond, New Zealand (“I was asked to produce New York’s Olympic bid many times. Mayor after mayor begged, begged me. ‘Mr. Trump, please bring us the Olympics.’ Begged! This was in my office, mayors come to me but I don’t let them use my bathroom, especially Dinkins. Not because of the black thing. The sweating thing. Mayor of New York sweating like a whore in a church. Weak! I never made the deal, even though I could have very easily. I also could have competed. One year. Gimme one year? In the Olympics. Determination!”

6 Comments

  1. Tuesday Jackson

    August 12, 2016 at 8:00 am

    Your ability to capture the essence of scintillating humor is without peer.

  2. You are working for Josh now?

    http://site.people.com/style/john-mayer-skincare-routine-snaphat/

    This has signs of your handiwork.

  3. Are you actually Trump…or are you John Miller or John Barron?

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