- Snatched baby from supporter’s hands and punted it, much to the delight of the crowd.
- Implied that only weak women get sexually harassed.
- Then, wanting to make his point clear, directly stated that only weak women get harassed.
- Accused fire fighters of being Communists, and then strangled a Dalmatian puppy onstage, much to the delight of the crowd.
- Claimed he owned the Pittsburgh Penguins.
- Called Sandusky, Ohio, the “biggest shithole in Ohio, and that’s saying something.”
- Tweeted out the Khan family’s home address and telephone number.
- Sons appeared on Facebook Live and shot a giraffe.
- Introduced new nickname for Mrs. Clinton: “Crooked Hillary” is now too soft, according to Trump, and he will now just call her “That Cunt.”**
- Declared Jared Leto the best Joker.
- Accepted a Purple Heart from a veteran, then immediately mocked veteran for getting wounded in the first place.
- At a hastily-thrown press conference this morning, Donald Trump took one question, spent 90 minutes talking about teachers from high school who had doubted him, then said that Finland was historically part of Russia, and then punted another baby, much to the delight of the crowd.
*It’s actually worse than the bullshit I came up with because the bullshit I came up with didn’t actually happen, whereas all of this did.
**Obviously, that is a joke. Even in my most resigned thoughts about the future, I cannot imagine that foul word making it into the campaign, but I sincerely cannot believe we haven’t gotten an “accidental” bitch yet. You know it’s coming, right? He’s not gonna say it–or, shit, maybe he will because nothing makes sense any more–it’ll probably be one of his crazier supporters: I’m thinking Jeff Sessions is the right asshole for the job. But you mark my damnable words, Enthusiasts: somewhere on the horizon of the calendar, galloping steadily towards us, is the day when the first major-party lady candidate for the presidency of the United States gets called a bitch by the other candidate. This a done deal. It will happen. Just a question of when.