Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Donald Trump’s Last 24 Hours*

  • Snatched baby from supporter’s hands and punted it, much to the delight of the crowd.
  • Implied that only weak women get sexually harassed.
  • Then, wanting to make his point clear, directly stated that only weak women get harassed.
  • Accused fire fighters of being Communists, and then strangled a Dalmatian puppy onstage, much to the delight of the crowd.
  • Claimed he owned the Pittsburgh Penguins.
  • Called Sandusky, Ohio, the “biggest shithole in Ohio, and that’s saying something.”
  • Tweeted out the Khan family’s home address and telephone number.
  • Sons appeared on Facebook Live and shot a giraffe.
  • Introduced new nickname for Mrs. Clinton: “Crooked Hillary” is now too soft, according to Trump, and he will now just call her “That Cunt.”**
  • Declared Jared Leto the best Joker.
  • Accepted a Purple Heart from a veteran, then immediately mocked veteran for getting wounded in the first place.
  • At a hastily-thrown press conference this morning, Donald Trump took one question, spent 90 minutes talking about teachers from high school who had doubted him, then said that Finland was historically part of Russia, and then punted another baby, much to the delight of the crowd.

*It’s actually worse than the bullshit I came up with because the bullshit I came up with didn’t actually happen, whereas all of this did.

**Obviously, that is a joke. Even in my most resigned thoughts about the future, I cannot imagine that foul word making it into the campaign, but I sincerely cannot believe we haven’t gotten an “accidental” bitch yet. You know it’s coming, right? He’s not gonna say it–or, shit, maybe he will because nothing makes sense any more–it’ll probably be one of his crazier supporters: I’m thinking Jeff Sessions is the right asshole for the job. But you mark my damnable words, Enthusiasts: somewhere on the horizon of the calendar, galloping steadily towards us, is the day when the first major-party lady candidate for the presidency of the United States gets called a bitch by the other candidate. This a done deal. It will happen. Just a question of when.


  1. Promontory Prothonotary Warbler

    August 3, 2016 at 1:58 am

    You’re spot on with your premonitous ‘Bitch’ call. I’m not a blogger, barely literate, but wonder if you could add a calendar to your site allowing guests to predict the date between now and November 15 for the occurrence, granted the Bitch call might yet occur in post-election wrap up coverage.

    Inspired by your prognostication, I’ll paint the picture further: an accidental-on-purpose ‘hot mic’ exchange between Mr.T and Pence alongside a podium in late September. One has to allow school kids to be back in session to maximize the fake offensive factor.

    Here Comes Sunshine; Hillary is about to be on the receiving end of Trump bitch-dom destiny.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    August 3, 2016 at 5:11 am

    couldn’t find waylon live

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    August 3, 2016 at 10:15 am

    leave it to the Scots (sorry Mom)

    • You are spot on with that assessment Luther, my potty mouth can be directly attributed to a Ferguson and a Campbell.

      • Luther Von Baconson

        August 4, 2016 at 6:57 am

        from my old man’s repertoire. during saturday night bath time he’d check in on us “i don’t hear any splashin’……”, stand by the bathtub, whip out his pecker and ask “if the water needed warming up”. usually would recite this at some point

    • they make it an art form tho.

      his trip to Scotland was the comedic highlight of this sad election cycle thus far

  4. Since we are talking politics now..

    Someone has to dose the president or something, he commuted another group of victims of the war on drugs today. Good for him. I hope he releases thousands on his last day in office.

    That said, if you search his past commutations on this page, ,
    For heroin, marijuana, cocaine, you find plenty of matches. Search for Ecstacy and you find one, search for lsd and you find nothing.

    Please Mr President, release some of the hippies.

    • Luther Von Baconson

      August 4, 2016 at 3:10 am

      when he came to Seattle, i twitted an offer to by him an Oly and a Crow. this is the Gateway to Acid you see. during this visit one regret of mine was not stealing some of Michelle’s wine (i thought was run of the mill Chateau St. Michelle….but not so), many bottles of which were arrayed lovingly on tables out front of the Westin. i was in a rush though, to head to Columbia City via light rail, to have dinner and see Andy Coe……

      • Luther Von Baconson

        August 4, 2016 at 3:12 am

        that would be buy. i would give him a by though if it was a Round Robin.

        • Luther Von Baconson

          August 4, 2016 at 3:37 am

          would also buy him a Red Robin Burger if he wanted one. or loco moco from Kauai Family, no pressure though……maybe pu-pus. ice cold Primos. Heineken. maybe some Hash.

          • Luther Von Baconson

            August 4, 2016 at 4:08 am

            prior to all of this, the refreshments if you will, i would give him a Krafty of course. low on the hips.

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