“Good evening my fellow Americans, and also all the haters and losers. On Tuesday, President Assad of Syria launched very, very horrible weapons at his own people, chemical weapons, horrible. Normal bombs are bad, but now we’re talking about the chemical. Bad stuff! I couldn’t believe it when I saw it on Fox. They showed the worst pictures, just the worst, of very beautiful babies who are not allowed in America because they are Radical Islamic Terrorists.
“Obama killed those babies. By being weak and cowardly with Assad, Obama killed the babies. Maybe he gave some of the babies to John Podesta, I don’t know. Anyway, I’m very proud to announce the launching of 60 Trump Missiles towards the airfield where the chemical was from. Or the factory where it was made. Or something. I didn’t get into the little shit, that’s why I hire generals.
“Oh, right. I also call on the international community, who are deadbeats and pussies, to aid us in bringing down Assad.
“Let us now bow our heads and pray.
“American Jesus, hear us. You are so great. So, so great. Thank you for making me president during this crisis, and not Hillary Clinton. She worships the devil, Jesus. Guide our cruise missiles, Jesus. We ask for peace and harmony and blah bah blah.
“All right, amen, enough with the God crap. They told me I’m not supposed to take questions, but I’m going to.
“Those tweets were strategic, Maggie. Once again, the disgraceful media which lies and should be stabbed in the face lies about me. You are pushing a narrative. A narrative! “Trump sent out tweets arguing against attacking Syria.” Wrong! I was being strategic. I’m very, very good at the strategic. I wrote those to confuse Assad. Didn’t want him to know my strategy. That makes me strategic.
“No, I won’t stop saying ‘strategic.’ I’m the president and I’ll say whatever I want.
“Yes, this has been a long time in planning. Almost 36 hours. Honestly: war? Not that tough. Shoot this, blow up that. Most people don’t give me credit for being a warrior, but I am. I went to military school, and I was voted ‘Most Military’ four years straight. Great with the military. We had the best plan going into this, a real wonderful plan, just great. My son-in-law Jared also helped with the plan. Great plan.
“That’s not a fair question, Alan. I want to talk about the wonderful missiles I just launched and you want to bring up Russia, which is a hoax. The entire Russia story was made up by Susan Rice, who is a very bad black. So many great blacks in this country–Ben Carson, my good friend Don King–but the government gets nothing but evil blacks. I’ll say it because I have no time for political correctness now that I’ve started a war. Evil blacks.
“That reminds me. We were very, very, very careful not to hit civilians during this strike, but if any civilians die, it’s Obama’s fault.
“Steve Bannon was taken off the National Security Council because he did the job he was there to do, which was watch Michael Flynn, even though Michael Flynn did nothing wrong and didn’t need anyone to watch him. Mission accomplished. A lot of people on the Council were coming up to me, “Mr. President, Steve Bannon is too good at National Security and he’s making us look bad.” Many people said that.
“Good question, Kelly, and your cans look phenomenal. Assad will step down. How? It’s gonna happen. Don’t worry about how. This will end well. Jared was very, very confident that all of this would end well. Unless Obama sabotages us, then this will end with Assad out of power and also we’ll have a better trade deal with China. Trust me.
“Okay, God bless America and me.”