“Yes, great, okay. The best. Mike Pence is here, clap for him. What a great decision I made with that guy. Best vice-president ever, everyone’s saying. Top of all the lists. Whole country loves him. Not as much as me, but there’s love. Mike’s doesn’t have a great face, so it’s tough to love him. Looks like a mean little hick, but a great man.

“I would like to start by talking about the tragedy that just occurred in Manila. Terror. So much terror in the world, and a lot of people are noticing all the terror. Papers won’t report this because they’re fake news, but it was a terrorist attack. They told me in my intel briefing, supposed to be a secret. I know the best secrets.

“Before I announce my great announcement, let me tell you how great America is doing. Stock market is through the roof, never seen a stock market like this. Huge market. I got calls from many people thanking me for making them rich. Richer. Whatever. Market added $3 billion this week. Maybe four, could be four. Let’s say five. $5 billion dollars! You’re welcome. Everyone in America has a job now and is very, very successful, believe me.

“Best trip ever. Arabs, Jews. Bunch of homos and uggos in Europe. Horrible place, and everyone is raped by a refugee at lunch. I told them! No more laughing, because they were laughing at us, and now they’re not. Angela Merkel, who is even worse looking than Hillary Clinton, gave a speech yesterday and she called me the greatest president in the history of America. I saw the speech, she said that.

“And now they’re making big, big, big contributions in Europe, and also the Jews and the Arabs. Did I bring peace? We’ll have to see, but many, many people are telling me that I brought peace to the Middle East and also Israel. No one thought it was possible. Always people doubt, but everyone is wrong except for me and also there’s no Russia.

“Therefore, in order to protect America and make it so, so great, I have decided to…I have decided to…Mike! C’mon, I told you to do a drum roll!”

“Just do the goddamned drum roll, will ya, Mike? I can fire a vice-president.”

“Stop crying. Jesus. Okay, whatever: we’re out of the Paris whatever!”


“Thank you, yes, all right. You’re welcome. I did a great job, yes.

“So, what we’re gonna do is get a new negotiation. Bad deal! Why does Paris get to tell me what to do with my coal mine? Coal is what made America great before, and it can do it again. We can sit down, get a better deal. Or maybe not. Who knows? If it happens, it happens.

“The American worker is the greatest worker in the world. I love the American worker. Beautiful and strong, very strong. I have read many, many reports that say by staying in the Paris thing, we would lose 80 million jobs every year. The average American family, who I love, would be forced to eat one or more of their children. China can do whatever it wants. Huge polluters, the hugest. We have to eat our children. Bad deal!

“We’re going to reopen the factories. All the roads will be paved so smooth, you’ve never seen roads this smooth. New coal mines, the most gorgeous mines you’ve ever seen. Got a friend opening up a new coal mine. The miners call me, ‘Mr. President, will you come and speak at our mine in one of your beautiful suits?’ I said I would think about it. I want to go, but who knows? Maybe I have to sign our tax bill, which will be passed tomorrow.

“By getting us out of the Paris thing, I have guaranteed 10% GDP growth for the next hundred years. Believe me. What are we going to run the country on? Solar? What about at night? Very dumb people, these solar people. You can mine coal at night. Doesn’t matter, because it’s dark down there. This is why I’m smart.

“I am going to work with the Democrats, who are traitors and losers, and with the politicians that work for me, and get the best terms. No one was negotiating for America! We know Barack Obama was born in a mosque, but maybe he was also French? Maybe he was collaborating with foreign interests? However he betrayed his country, he should obviously be tried for treason. Maybe I’ll call Obama Blackadict Arnold.

“Paris can’t make our laws. I was elected by the largest margin in history to protect America from Paris. I am the savior of Pittsburgh. Ben Roethlisberger, who I love, told me that three of their Super Bowl wins were because of me. Paris have a football team? No. So I don’t care about Paris.

“Okay, God bless great again. Yes, wonderful, you’re welcome, you’re welcome.”