Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Down At The Mall

“Y’know, I’ve been banned from a shitload of malls.”

Hey, Billy.

“Got 86’ed from the Glendale Galleria in ’86 for ordering a bilzone at Sbarro’s.”

A bilzone?

“It’s a calzone, but I stick my dick in it.”


“Thrown out of the Mall of America on five occasions spanning two decades.”

For what?

“Took out my dick in Foot Locker.”

What about the other four times?

“I took out my dick in Foot Locker five times.”


“It was hot.”

Jesus, Billy.

“Definitely not allowed back in the Short Hills Mall. Ever seen that place? Swanky as fuck.”

It is. What did you do?

“Well, it was close to Christmas and I had been drinking since Easter–”

You punched Santa in the dick.

“–and I punched Santa in the dick.”


“Got them, too. Punched ’em in their elf-dicks. Which is tougher than you’d think. Small targets. And the little fuckers are quick until, you know, you grab ’em by the throat. Then they slow right down.”

These are terrible acts you commit.

“Terrible like a fox.”

Makes no sense.

“Couple other malls I can’t go into, either.”

What did you do there?

“Hit on teenage chicks.”



  1. Luther Von Baconson

    November 16, 2017 at 11:30 am


  2. Luther Von Baconson

    November 16, 2017 at 6:50 pm

    Gary going off about Beach Boy’s Kokomo before Get Out of My Life Woman

Leave a Reply to Luther Von Baconson Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published.