Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Down By The River, I Shot My Political Opponents

What the fuck are you doing?

“I gave up.”

On the storyline?

“And sobriety.”

Are you drunk?

“Dude, Kim Jong Un knows how to party. I kinda feel bad for ducking him all this time.”

He’s there?

“Yeah. I wasn’t going to him.”

Kim Jong Un is at the Alphi Phi charity benefit?

“He’s blending in. Don’t worry.”

“Hot Dog Dick, you want wine?”

“Sticking with tequila, buddy.”

“Only Korea make best wine in world. Red and white. Both kind, best wine.”

I have so many questions, but ‘ll preface with this: tequila?

“Oh my God, the world of high-end tequila is fascinating. It’s almost as complicated as watches.”

No, it isn’t Real tequila is only made from one ingredient. You cannot complicate it.

“Dude, rich white people can complicate anything.”

True. We now move on: why the fuck is the dictator of North Korea–

“Only Korea!”

–at Bobby’s daughter’s party? It’s odd enough that you’re there.

“He’s not bothering anybody.”

“Kim Jong Un gonna nuke all you round-eye fucks!”

“Okay, he may be bothering the tables around him, but he’s not bothering everyone.”

You need to wrangle him.

“Fine.”

“Kim Jong Un is buying coke from one of the randbros.”

Dammit, Mayer! This is why you weren’t in this storyline! Now, turn in your badge and gun.

“I don’t have a badge and gun.”

Go get them, and bring them back and turn them in.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Maybe that’s Katy.”

Maaaaaaaybe.”

“I loathe you.”

“Upcoming subject of a FISA warrant John Mayer speaking.”

“Who?”

“Is this Bobby?”

“Yeah.”

“Josh Meyers.”

“Hey, buddy. What about a FISA court?”

“Nothing.”

“Josh, it’s very important to me that my daughter’s party go smoothly. My promotion at work is counting on it.”

“What?”

“I thought maybe we were going in a sitcommy-type direction, but I guess not.”

“Bob, where are you?”

“Still at Phil’s. Now: have you found Elvis?”

“No.”

“You keeping an eye on Putin?”

“Yes?’

“Josh, I gave you one job!”

“Bobby, you gave me, like, three separate impossible tasks that required time travel and magic.”

“One job!”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“Goddammit. Kim!”

“Hot Dog Dick?”

“You see Putin?”

“Fuck that guy.”

“Agreed. Not the question.”

“He head towards ocean.”

“What?”

Where the fuck are you going?

“Joint of Phil Grateful. Free show. Bobby Grateful is jamming.”

It’s not a joint. It’s a classy establishment.

“Is joint. Maybe I blow up.”

Don’t blow up TXR.

“Putin do what he vants.”

Stop bothering everybody.

“No.”

I hate you.

“Putin nyet care.”

I know.

4 Comments

  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    March 8, 2017 at 10:18 am

    F-moto, pouring the J dude ‘un vin avant-diner’. Great food, great wines, JU kept getting sillier with the jokes as dinner progressed. Of course, everyone kept laughing, which only encouraged him.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    March 8, 2017 at 4:08 pm

    Bobby’s got some grief with his Bigsby?

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