“Heh heh heh.”
“Thoughts on my Ass! Look what Uncle Billy got! This is gonna be a whole chapter in the book.”
You still writing that thing?
“The writing comes later. First, I’m living it. Summer of skank!”
You actually gonna write it this time?
“Hell, no. Benjy’s back.”
You re-hired him?
“We’re brainstorming names. I like Finnegan’s Dick.”
“Benjy wants From Kreutzboyy to Kruetzmann.”
“Whatever. We’ll figure it out once I get all the stories together. I figure you got the skank from this tour, plus the book tour, plus all the Farewell Skank, and you got about 300 pages. Plus pictures.”
Of the skank?
“Sure. And me and Benjy.”
Obviously. Any shots of your family?
“Man, I got some awesome stories. Real choice skank tales. Heres a taste: in Chula Vista, I did some gentrifying.”
“Did some gentrifying.”
What is gentrifying?
“I found somewhere cheap and made it all white.”
Oh, God, that’s disgusting.
“That’s not even the first chapter! Much better stories I’m not telling you! Plus, you know: the big one.”
Billy, stop it.
I’m not jealous of something that didn’t happen. You are not–
“I’m dating Cher.”
–dating Cher. STOP THAT. It’s a weird lie, and I don’t even know where you came up with it.
“If I’m lying, then what’s this?”
Billy, stop this.
“Look how happy we are. Love, baby. She’s changed me, man. I sleep in full makeup now.”
Please. There’s so much stupid bullshit on this site, but this is outrageous.
“Billy and Cher. If it weren’t for the book, I would have quit the rando skank entirely for her. Crazy about her. Gonna be my fifth or sixth or seventh wife. Whichever number is next. Wait: am I married right now?”
“Shit. Welp, Cher is worth another alimony.”
“Hell, I can probably get her to pay it for me. She’s rich as shit.”
Have you spent all the money from the summer tour already?
“A lot of it was pre-spent, if I’m honest.”
Billy, it’s been 36 hours. You’re broke again?
“Not broke. Between fortunes.”
“Hey. Hey. Redhead, huh?”
Giving you the look of love.
“My finger’s in her butt.”
Jesus, I hate talking to you.
“Who’s forcing you?”