Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Drinking Last Night With A Biker

bobby bike multipic

Tell us about your bike, Bobby.

“I like to ride it, or sit on a rock with it, or just carry it around. When I carry it around, I always imagine the bike being all ‘Whoa: this is backwards,’ and then I’ll laugh, and if I laugh too hard, I’ll sit down on a rock.”

But what about the actual bicycle, Bobby?

“Oh, it’s made of some stern stuff. They were gonna do me a carbon fiber jobbie, but I thought carbon was a bit common, so I had them make it out of boron fiber because, elementally, that’s one better. Also, the seat is made from human skin.”

What? Where the hell did you get such a thing?

“I got it. Don’t worry about it.”


What were we talking about?

“I like everything about biking: going slow, not having any safety gear, taint pain.”

It sounds awful, to be frank.

“And the clothes! White people don’t achieve full white-personhood until they put on some cycling gear! The spandex, the lycra: you look like a superhero! I mean, sure: your superpower is making people want to run you over with their Buick, but that’s still better than nothing.”

I like your gloves.

“Yeah, they’re awesome. Can’t masturbate in ’em.”


“Trust me.”

Good talk, buddy.

1 Comment

  1. Anchovy Rancher

    January 14, 2015 at 9:44 pm

    Whereas, Pig was an actual “Biker” and rode something with an engine.

    You can jerk off (Or, better yet, BE jerked off) while riding a motorcycle, once you get into 4th or 5th gear. Gloves, no gloves, doesn’t matter.

    Don’t ask me how I know these things. YOU don’t want to know.

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