Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Einstein Disguised As Robin Hood With His Memories In A Frunk

Why are you here?

“You are a hurtful and bitter man.”

Be on tour. Go play arenas. Get blowjobs and buy sneakers. I deal with you when I have to. You’re like good-looking herpes.

“Thank you!”

All you heard was “good-looking,” right?


How’s your tour going?

“Dude, so awesome. No one’s called me Josh in weeks. Haven’t been dosed in a while. Oh, and the crowds? Hotter.”

I would imagine.

“No, you can’t. You cannot imagine how much more fuckable a John Mayer solo show crowd is than a Dead & Company show.”

I bet you got some Deadheads coming out now, though.

“Oh, yeah. Know how I know?”

Are they yelling out for Dark Star?

“They are. Every night. You know that Billy Joel song Leave A Tender Moment Alone?”


“Well, Deadheads don’t do that. Deadheads see a tender moment, and they yell Dark Star. It’s like hippie Tourette’s.

I’m sure someone’s going to be offended by that.

“Hey, at least I didn’t say anything racist about my dick.”


“The Dark Star thing has to stop. Can you tell people?”

No one takes my advice on anything ever.

“It’s fucking absurd. I tried to talk to one of them the other night.”

Oh, don’t do that.

“I learned my lesson. Guy shouts out Dark Star, so I say–calmly, reasonably–‘Hey, man, we don’t know that tune.'”


“So, he yells ‘The chords are A and G! It’s in D minor!’ And I’m like, ‘Yeah, I know,’ but he cuts me off. ‘It’s a modal jam!'”

Got a music theory major in the crowd.

“Threw me off my game. I couldn’t make my faces for three or four solos.”

Three or four solos? So…half a song?


Good seeing you, Josh.

“Follow me on Instagram!”

God help me, i do.


  1. Way hoter.

  2. Your better class of Deadhead yells out “Whipping Post!’ in hopes that they’d give it an impromptu go, and maybe trainwreck it…

  3. I know telling you what to do, is just about as rude as yelling Dark Star,, but I guess that makes me a true dead head..

    You should do a post that ranks crowds by hotness, it would totally clear the Male Feminist infection you caught a few days ago.

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