“Russian Jenkins!”

“Da, sir?”

“Ve cannot both speak vith comic accent. Make conversation very annoying.”

“I gotcha, sir.”

“How is election for Putin?”

“Excellent, sir. The returns are coming in now.”

“Is New York Times doing needle? Makes evening so tense and fun. Putin love needle.”

“They’re not, sir.”

“Vhat about Tvitter? Are there memes?”

“Let’s stay off of Twitter, sir. That’s his thing.”

“Da, da.”

“Sir, Novgorad is reporting. They’re calling it for you with 96% of the vote.”

“They love me in Novgorad.”

“Murmansk is at 94%.”

“They love me in Murmansk.”

“Stavropol went for you 85-15.”

“Have Stavropol starved to death.”

“Yes, sir. Ooh, you got 100% in Krasnoyarsk.”

“All dozen voters?”

“Every single one, sir.”

“Hooray for Putin. Ve celebrate.”

“How, sir?”

“Send a hundred pizzas to Angela Merkel.”

“I’m on it, sir.”

“Have pizzas topped vith chunks of dead spy.”

“It’s a bit much, sir.”

“Da. Just the pizzas. And have some people killed in–

GLOBE-SPINNING NOISE

GLOBE-STOPPING WITH FINGER NOISE

“–Spain.”

“Done, sir. Anyone in particular?”

“You choose this time.”

“Hmm. Ah. I noticed Krotov did not laugh at your hungry bear story at the last cookout.”

“He did nyet laugh at hungry bear? Is my best story!”

“I love that story, sir.”

“Bear is so hungry!”

“It’s not the story’s problem, sir. There’s something wrong with Krotov.”

“There vill not be for long. He is in Spain?”

“He can be dumped there.”

“Da, da. Is such good day.”

“Yes, sir. The Vladivostock returns are in.”

“Did I vin?”

“You did, sir.”

“Vonderful. Putin vorried about Vladivostock. Vas story going to come out in paper, very bad, very embarrassing.”

“Well, you won with 90% of the vote, so I don’t think it hurt you.”

“Da. Also, I have journalist murdered.”

“That helps.”

“Whole newspaper staff, actually. Putin got carried away.”

“You’re only human, sir.”

“For now.”

“Sir, Project: Robot Body for Putin is way behind schedule.”

“They vill figure it out. Putin brain vill be implanted into robot. Lead Russia forever.”

“I’m not saying I don’t want that to happen, sir.”

“Do not be hater, Jenkins.”

“No, sir. Leningrad precinct is reporting, President Putin.”

“Shto?”

“83%.”

“Nyet. Make Leningrad vote again. Tell them 92%.”

“Yes, sir. Or we could just save the money of another election day, and say it was 92%.”

“But then the kulaks vould not have to stand in line. Russian soul needs to stand in line. Russian soul vas born in line.”

“I’ll cut down on the number of machines, sir.”

“Now you are using noodle, Jenkins. Enough vith this election. Ve now concentrate on our next one.”

“The 2018 Midterms?”

“Da. Putin have so many fun ideas.”

“I can’t wait, sir.”