Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Everybody Shirts

Enthusiasts, you know that TotD hates gatekeeping. Be an obsessive, or be a casual fan: it does not matter to me. But, Enthusiasts, you also know that TotD hates celebrities and their fatuous, overpriced bullshit; we now present Is This Celebrity Allowed To Wear A Dead Shirt?

YES Helen Mirren can not only wear a Dead shirt, but she can wear whatever the fuck she wants. Was Helen Mirren at Bickershaw? Did she leave early to drink champagne and fuck nobility? Probably, and that only makes her cooler. Elvis Costello was at Bickershaw, and if you had given him the option to leave early to drink champagne and fuck nobility, he would have, but no one asked him.

NO You could scrub Mikes Teller for hours, one of those Karen Silkwood showers, and he’d still smell like Axe Body Spray and a Bret Stephens’ opinion column. Look at those creepy little baby fingernails, yo. Take your foot-face back to Target with this weak shit, Mile Teller.

FINE There’s nothing that can be done at this point. We need to make our peace with the situation.

NO This is Emma Roberts, and her eyeballs are not speaking to each other. She is also an actress named Emma, but is not Emma Stone, so fuck her. She has no idea who the Dead are, but has most likely tugged off at least one of The Chainsmokers.

YES I love the Spice Girls, and I’m not apologizing for it. Bonus points for the elephant-skull iconography.

YES This is, for those unaware, an actor named Josh Duhamel. He’s one of those tall, bohunky, white boys that they grow in Los Angeles; throw a rock in an AA meeting, and you’ll hit five of them. And he’s got some serious points against him: he starred in all those monstrous Transformers movies, and he married Fergie. However, he was on a NBC show called Las Vegas, and it was my dad’s favorite program; we used to watch it together every week. Josh played Danny McCoy, an ex-Special Forces soldier now in charge of security at the Montecito Hotel. His boss was James Caan, and all the women on the show were stunning and half-naked and every member of the cast got kidnapped at least once a season. The show was car chases, titties, and guest stars including Jean-Claude Van Damme as himself. Don’t believe me?Stop doubting me, dammit.

Anyway: Josh Duhamel made my dad happy, so he can wear whatever he wants.

NO I don’t care for this woman.

SURE, I GUESS? This is a Migo. Maybe it is Joey Migo, or possibly Dee Dee Migo. He only has one tattoo on his face, which counts as conservative in the hip-hoppery of 2018. Some stylist charged him $800 for the shirt and he told his manager to “take care of that shit” and he’s gonna be soooooo confused when he’s broke in five years.

DUH Andy Cohen, who is not in the Migos in the slightest, is absolutely allowed to wear Dead shirts. (Are those John Mayer’s toppermosts on the couch behind him?)

CONDITIONAL YES Is Megan Fox even famous anymore? Either way, I am going to need her to answer some trivia questions about the Dead before she flies the colors.

NO Surprised you, didn’t I? You thought this would be a–pardon the pun–slam dunk? Once again, I have taken the contrarian path: Phil Jackson may not wear Dead shirts because I feel like he’s encroaching on Bill Walton’s turf. If you’re standing behind a giant in a Dead shirt at a show, it should be Walton. That’s his thing, man.

(Also: I am precisely as good a basketball coach as Phil Jackson. Watch: “Pass the ball to Michael Jordan.” Boom, job done.)

HELL, NO The garment is as generic as the wearer; it may as well just have GRATEFUL DEAD SHIRT written across the front in block-type. Go away forever, Dustin Tinderflint. Go back to your gated community in Montana and freeze to death like Warren Beatty at the end of McCabe & Mrs. Miller. You deserve a morally ambiguous ending, Jason Tambourine. Black people hate you, and that makes me happy, because black people hate in a rather entertaining fashion. You deserve black hatred, Jetson Tamerlane.

Absolutely You can always, always, always wear a “Tastes Great, Lesh Filling” shirt. This is a professional snowboarder named Danny Davis. You can tell he’s a professional snowboarder because he’s temporarily crippled.

(Obviously, the handsome gent on the left is Grateful Dead archivist David Lemieuxncieindiana, and he is totally allowed to wear Dead shirts, but it’s for the best that he doesn’t. You don’t wanna be that guy. And by “that guy,” I mean Mickey.)

HAD HE CARED TO, YES If Peter Jennings had felt like wearing a Dead shirt, then he could have. (Off-topic: I want Jennings, Brokaw, and Rather back. I trusted those fuckers.)

This concludes Is This Celebrity Allowed T Wear A Dead Shirt. Thanks for coming by, and remember that democracy isn’t just a good idea, it’s the law. See ya, suckers.

Stop being odd.

I didn’t know how to end.

Just stop typing.

Never.

We know.

15 Comments

  1. i think that ALL of them should have to take the TotD-dead-shirt-privilege test, but helen mirren gets to wear one even if she gets a zero, and spice girls aren’t even allowed to take the quiz. (sorry)

    i wonder if josh would pass the test?

  2. Helen Mirren’s leather pants
    Now that’s a Spice Girl that knows a proper Halfstep
    Phil Jackson is an actual deadhead, but he’s also become insufferable, so whatever

  3. Peter Jennings? C’mon, son — you can’t trust someone who morphed “Let’s roll” into “Let us roll.”

    • Thoughts On The Dead

      February 12, 2018 at 12:13 am

      “Let’s” is the contraction of “Let us,” and Peter Jennings was too classy to use vulgar contraction.

  4. drink all day and rock all night

    February 11, 2018 at 11:54 pm

    Dammit I have that 5/8/77 shirt (I do believe it was the best show that week). I guess with Miles Teller wearing it it has jumped way over the shark. You think he is even vaguely familiar with the phrase “everyone up front is getting horribly smashed”? I’m gonna guess no… (whaddya mean no…)

  5. Aside from Mayer and coach Phil, I didn’t recognise anyone. And it ain’t called tugging off when it’s a girl…it’s called “jilling off”.

  6. “wear a Dead shit” is just gross, but “sowboarder” is intriguing

  7. New rule, wear a dead shirt = get dosed by a deadhead.

    • Same guy as last time

      February 12, 2018 at 10:46 pm

      That’s the most reasonable thing I’ve heard in a while. I mean, let’s see how committed they are to the premise.

  8. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    February 12, 2018 at 1:17 pm

    I wish we got a nickel for each of those shirts. Oh, wait, we do!

  9. Luther Von Baconson

    February 12, 2018 at 6:38 pm

    .

  10. Same guy as last time

    February 12, 2018 at 10:48 pm

    That Duhamel guy is carrying a Dachshund under one arm. That gives him free license for quite a bit. Ya’ carry a weenie under your arm, I’ll give ya’ a lotta’ latitude.

  11. Luther Von Baconson

    February 13, 2018 at 11:40 am

    looks like Joel & Trevor are maybe leading Peter to the Thorazine Mezzanine for a Timeout. A Nappie and a Kip. make a comeback in the 2nd set.

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