Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Everyone’s A Winner

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“So, where was I?

“Right: Les Paul had killed two teenaged underground wrestlers in the basement of a hardware store in Staten Island. I believe they were both Italian-Americans, but it was not a racially-motivated crime. Those kids should’ve known: you step in the ring with Les, and you enter his dojo. Dojo can only have one sensei, y’know? Those are the rules.

“So, uh, Les let ’em have it. He gave one of them a How High the Moon. That’s a body slam, but Les would pick people up with his ass. Me and Phil were just flabbergasted. Well, I was. Phil would have been, but he, uh, had befriended an off-duty firefighter and was in the parking lot doing donuts in a ladder truck.

“And then Les, you know: recognizes me. So now I gotta help him get rid of the corps–”

“WHASS THIS ALL ‘BOUT? SOMEBODY GIVIN’ OUT AWARDS? AH WILL ACCEPT THESE GARLANDS. AH DESERVE THEM.”

“Elvis, can you gimme a min–”

“ON BEHALF OF MY SAINTED MOMMA, WHO AH CALLED MAH SATNIN, AND MAH WAYWARD DADDY, VERNON, AH HUMBLY ACCEPT THIS AWARD FOR MAH GREATNESS.”

“It’s not for you, man. I won the–”

“EVER SINCE AH WAS A YOUNG BOY, AH WANTED TO BE THE HERO OF THE COMIC BOOK, AND WEAR CAPES AND GET AWARDS. AH AM DOING BOTH TONIGHT AND IT IS A SPECIAL OCCASION. TO HONOR MYSELF, AH WILL NOW PERFORM KARATE.”

“Precarious!”

“Yo?”

“Have you been standing there the whole time?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Sure. Can you do something about the King?”

“Like what?”

“Well, you know, man: are you on the road crew or not? What happens when people start screwing around?”

“Violence.”

“There ya go.”

“I’m not tackling Elvis, Bob.”

“You tackle people all the time. It’s a function of the job.”

“He’s Elvis, Bob. Just not gonna do it. Besides…”

KICK

PUNCH

JUMPSUIT

“…he knows karate.”

“Do something. I’ve got a lot of story left: me and Phil end up taking the bodies of the teenaged wrestlers to Studio 54 and throwing them at Steve Rubell.”

“I love that story, boss.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“AH SEE MANY PEOPLE IN THIS TENT WITH FINE HAIRCUTS, AND IT MAKES ME THANK GOD FOR AMERICA.”

“Get this jackass out of here.”

“How?”

“No idea, but if you can’t do it, then get someone who can. Wally’ll do it.”

“I dunno about that. They both do the all-caps thing. It would be confusing.”

” All of you have ruined my award. I’m going to my tour bus.”

“Oh, oh, ohhh. No. Not the bus. Maybe not right this second? Give it a minute?”

“You better not tell me that Soup got in my bus.”

“Soup got in my bus?”

“Little bit.”

“MotherFUCKER.”

“YOU WILL REFRAIN FROM FOUL LANGUAGE IN THE PRESENCE OF THE KING.”

“Ah, fuck you, Elvis.”

3 Comments

  1. I think he’s saying ‘first there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is. ‘
    https://open.spotify.com/track/4AI48ZDb0QWulw6rTxlInP

  2. Notice on weir’s left arm: the only intact vein left on any of the Grateful Deads.

  3. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    June 18, 2016 at 11:04 am

    “…with a big fat ugly yellow dog that was at least this big…”

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