“Please hold for the president.”

Me?

“Yes.”

Tell the president that she’s not allowed to call me. I initiate the interactions. Usually I say ‘Hey, Blank. Whatcha doing?’ and then things go from there. But I start things.

“Please hold for the president.”

Fine.

“I have John.”

Katy Perry?

“Lady-Mister President, thank you.”

katyperry-inaugural-ball-3

That’s a tiny hat.

“All of my clothes are tiny.”

True. Okay, wait: you have John Mayer?

“I may have overstated that. I am in possession of a human-shaped creature that at one time was John Mayer.”

Ah. So, Trump’s still in him?

“Yes. 1993 Donald Trump freejacked into John Mayer in 2016.”

Underrated movie.

“Mick Jagger’s finest performance, except for Performance.”

Well played.

“Doctor Gary has begun experimenting with nootropics. My mind is like a very good. Smart yes. Yay.”

You sure he’s not just getting you all fucked up on pills and saying they’re nootropics?

“Not out of the question with Doctor Gary. I believe him, though.”

You always do, for some reason.

“I’ve seen his work! And I’ve seen his work work. The nootropics? He’s combined them with zootropics. His first chemical was called Eager Beaver: it made you brilliant, but it also made you masturbate to pictures of Hoover Dam.”

Katy.

“Then there was Horse Sense, which also made you brilliant, but tiny Peruvians kept jumping on your back and riding you.”

Katy.

“And finally, Eagle Eye. It, too, makes you brilliant. There are side effects.”

“AWK! AWK!”

Can we get back to your possessed ex-boyfriend, please?

“It’s under control. I have top men working on it.”

Top men? There are no top men anywhere near this nonsense. Who you got? Doctor Gary and Jenkins?

“And Wally.”

HELLO, LADY-MISTER PRESIDENT PERRY. YOUR HAT IS NOT THE PROPER SIZE

Hey, Wally.

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

Please tell me you’re not collaborating with Doctor Gary.

I AM ON THE VERGE OF DISINTEGRATING HIM. HE HAS REPEATEDLY ATTEMPTED TO DOSE ME.

Is that even possible?

REGARDLESS. IT IS AN INSULT. I AM A GRATEFUL DEAD. IF THERE IS DOSING TO BE DONE, IT SHALL BE IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.

Yeah, sure.

I AM THE WALL OF SOUND. DOCTOR GARY WILL PUT RESPECT ON MY NAME.

Can no one stick to the script?

DOESN’T KNOW WHO HE’S FUCKING WITH.

Are you done?

PROGRESS WITH JOHN MAYER IS LIMITED.

Limited?

LIMITED TO ZERO. THERE IS NO PROGRESS.

Why? How? This problem literally has a mad scientist and a super-computer–

HYPER.

–working on it.

YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR ANSWER THROUGH OMISSION. WERE THIS A PROBLEM OF TECHNOLOGY, ENGINEERING, CHEMISTRY, PROGRAMING, ETC., THEN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SOLVED INSTANTLY.

But?

THIS IS SOME SORT OF HOODOO BULLSHIT.

When did you start cursing this much?

I AM VERY FRUSTRATED. I HAVE EXHAUSTED ALL POSSIBILITIES TO REVERSE THE ENTRUMPIFICATION, AND MADE NO MARK. THERE IS ONLY ONE OPTION I HAVE NOT TRIED..

What?

THIS IS MAGIC-RELATED NONSENSE. IT REQUIRES THE ATTENTION OF GARCIA’S BRIEFCASE OF INFINITE FELONIES.

Okay.

WE ARE NOT SPEAKING.

Why?

SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE DID.

“Sad! Sad! (Help me, I’m still in here.) You dummies can’t get it right! Weak deal! (Help me or shoot me.)”

jm trump face.jpg

FIGHT HIM, JOHN.

You can do it, buddy.

“Polls have me taking over the world! Good for the blacks! (Please do something. Please. Please.)”

Go get the Briefcase!

OH, FINE.