“Hold up there, ma’am! Where you think you’re going?”

“The, uh, bathroom? How did you get in the school?”

“Don’t worry about that. Why don’t you take a seat?. I’m Agent Orange, and I’ll be conducting your interview.”

“Interview? What?”

“As you may have heard, the Trump Administration has revoked an Obama-era mandate to protect transgendered students and enable them to use the bathroom of their stated gender. The president believes the matter should be left up to the states.”

“What does this have to do with me?”

“You live in a state run by vicious assholes.”


“So, please: sit. This won’t take long at all.”

“I really gotta go.”

“The faster we get through this, the sooner you can.”

“Fine, fine.”


“G.K. Chesterton.”

“Reason for bathroom visit, Miss Chesterton?”

“I need to use it.”

“Number one or number two?”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s one of the questions, ma’am. I have to answer it or the computer won’t let me continue.”

“Number one.”

“Thank you. And you intend to use the restroom that is clearly labeled for female use?”


“And you are a female?”


“Is that a recent thing? Like, you were female this morning?”

“I was.”

“Last week?”

“Then, too.”

“And at birth?”

“No, then I was a baby.”

“Miss Chesterton, your sarcasm is not going to get you in that bathroom any quicker. I’m beginning to think you don’t appreciate the job Allfather Trump is doing for you.”


“President. I said President.”

“You said Allfather.”

“You misheard me.”

“Mishearing is not a thing.”

“Please don’t make me say ‘fake news’ at you.”

“You’re a grown man, and I’m a high school sophomore. I can’t make you do anything. Your actions are your own.”

“Fake news.”

“There you go.”

“Are you now, or have you ever been, a transgender?”


“Have you ever dressed in the clothing of the opposite gender for sexual pleasure?”

“What? Jesus. No.”

“Have you ever dressed in the clothing of the opposite gender to get a story for your high school newspaper, or to be a nanny to your estranged children?”

“I think you’re talking about movies.”

“Is that a yes or no?”


“Have you seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show?”


“Ooh, I wish you hadn’t said that.


“Big red flag just came up on my screen. I am sorry about this, Miss Chesterton, but I’m going to need to see your genitals.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Ma’am, this is a matter of national security.”

“It is totally not.”

“I don’t see what the problem is. Think of me as a doctor.”

“You’re not a doctor!”

“That’s why I told you to think of me as one”

“I am not showing a strange man my anything, especially in the middle of a high school hallway!”

“I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation here. It is perversion we speak of, Miss Chesterton. Savage deviants using trickery and subterfuge to assault innocent women. Innocence shattered. Lives ruined. The president wants to protect our most vulnerable, ma’am. Why are you against that?”

“I’m not, but–”


“Is that the guy tricking girls into showing him their cooters?”

“Yeah! Get him!”