Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Extreme Vetting: Press Room Edition

“Excuse me, where do you think you’re going?”

“The Press Room. It’s time for the briefing.”

“Uh-huh. There’s been some changes to protocol. Can you take a seat?”

“There’s no chair”

“I know. Sit on the floor like an animal.”

“I’m not going to do that.”

“Another elitist liberal that’s too good to sit on the floor like an animal. Wow.”

“I’m sorry, what’s going on here?”

“From now on, the Trump Administration will be doing extreme vetting of reporters. We just need to find out who’s a real journalist and who’s an enemy to the hardworking people of America. My name is Agent Orange, and I’ll be conducting your interview. Let’s get started. Name?”

“Glenn Thrush.”

“Real name?”

“That is my real name.”

“A thrush is a bird. You don’t look like a bird. Birds don’t have beards and spread fake news.”

“It’s my name. There’s plenty of people with bird-names. Tony Hawk. Rebecca Pidgeon. Larry Bird.”

“I’m going to write down ‘Would not reveal actual name.’ Next question: who do you work for?”

“The New York Times.”

“Times? Not the Post? I could let you right in if you worked for the Post.”

“No, not the Post. The Times.”

“Wow. This might take a while.”

“Maybe I should have a seat.”

“I offered you the floor.”

“In a chair.”

“You want a chair, the President wants to make America great without Glenn so-called Thrush lying about him.”

“Thrush is my real name, and I do not lie about the President.”

“We’ll see about that, won’t we? Let’s just keep moving. What’s the most dangerous country in the world right now?”

“Oh. Huh. Going by murder rate, crime, that sort of thing? I guess it’s Venezuela.”

“Ooh, so close. Correct answer is Sweden.”

“Sweden?”

“We also would have accepted Chicago.”

“Sweden is not dangerous.”

“Every citizen in Sweden is currently being raped by a Muslim immigrant. As we speak.”

“That’s fake news.”

“No, sir. The fake news is you calling it fake news. Double-fake news.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“President Trump is rubber, and you’re glue.”

“Where is that in the Constitution?”

“Oh, you’re one of those Constitution-lovers.”

“They’re called Americans. People who love the Constitution are called Americans.”

“For now. Let’s move on. What is Woody Allen’s real name?”

“Allen Konigsberg.”

“Correct. Here you go.”

BOINK

“Did you just throw a piece of candy at my mouth?”

“You did so well! Good reporter! Good reporter!”

“Please don’t toss food at me.”

“Would you rather I use the clicker?”

“The clicker? I’m not a dog you’re trying to train.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

“Wait. What the hell does Woody Allen’s real name have to do with anything?”

“Oh, the White House counsel said that we couldn’t just come out and ask if you were Jewish.”

“Wow.”

“Let’s keep going. Lot of questions to get through. Are you transgendered?”

“Why?”

“There’s a bathroom in the Press Room.”

“No, I am not transgendered.”

“Great, wonderful. Next. Why do you hate America?”

“I do not.”

“Uh-huh. See, here’s the thing: the computer won’t accept that as an answer. Your options are ‘Just because,’ ‘Islam,’ ‘Hater,’ or ‘Crooked Hillary in disguise.'”

“None of those.”

“I’ll mark down ‘Other.'”

“No, don’t mark down ‘Other.’ I don’t hate America.”

“Then why do you treat her this way?”

“Can we get on with this, please?”

“Sir, you’ve been uncooperative from the very beginning. Do you know how many Swedes have been raped by Muslims since we started this?”

“No.”

“All of them.”

“That’s not true.”

“In every hole.”

“No.”

“You close your eyes if you want to. Please, sir, we need to continue.”

PICTURE SHOWING NOISE

“is this your home, Mr. Thrush?”

“Why do you have a picture of my house?”

“Where you live with your wife, Renee, and your two children, Quincy and Adam?”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Lovely family. Shame if something happened to them while you were in jail for the rest of your life for being a huge liar.”

“Are you fucking kidding me!?”

“You can go in now, sir. It’s for the best you didn’t take a seat.”

“Why?”

“Now you know where you stand.”

Fin.

2 Comments

  1. Where is the outrage?

  2. Again, somebody should get this stuff to SNL. It’s broadcast worthy.

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