Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Extreme Vetting: Privatized FAA Edition

“Good morning, sir. My name is Agent Orange. How can I help you today?”

“I need to buy plane tickets.”

“Wonderful. Your Social Security number is 119-21-9355?”

“What? How did you know that?”

“Since Amazon bought the FAA, we’ve gone to a one-click method. Also, I just charged your Visa card ten dollars for looking up your Social Security number. Now: where will you be going?’


“Wonderful. I’m gonna flag you in the system as ‘possible terrorist’ and that’s another ten-dollar fee. Is it just you?”


“Okay. Would you like to purchase the Basic, Premium, or All-Inclusive Air Traffic Control package?”

“I don’t understand.”

“With the All-Inclusive, an experienced air traffic controller will follow your flight for its entire length and make sure you don’t try to land on a runway that another jet is taking off from. Premium is also for the entire flight, but an intern does it.”

“And the Basic?”

“Siri does it.”

“The idiot woman who lives in my phone?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Let’s go with Premium.”

“Wonderful. On to aircraft inspection. Would you like the aircraft to be inspected?”

“Oh, God, yes.”

“That’s two hundred. For an additional hundred, we can check if the pilots are drunk before takeoff.”

“And if I don’t pay it?”

“We’ll get the pilots drunk before takeoff.”


“Wonderful. I’m going add another hundred-dollar charge, sir.”


“Fuck you, that’s why.”

“Whatever happened to the friendly skies?”

“Oh, the skies are still friendly. It’s the people who suck.”

1 Comment

  1. Luther Von Baconson

    June 5, 2017 at 10:57 pm


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