Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Fact-Checking The State Of The Union

  • The State of the Union is not, in fact, strong.
  • Nancy Pelosi is not an illegal immigrant and therefore should not have been arrested by ICE during the speech.
  • Climate Change is not “Jew magic.”
  • Pittsburgh is not the capital of Pennsylvania.
  • Nor is it the capital of Ohio.
  • The leading cause of death in the American military is suicide, not “hearts breaking because ungrateful wide receivers took a knee on the flag.”
  • The International Space Station is not powered by coal.
  • It is not true that “No one knows who won World War II.”
  • The Electoral College is not an actual school.
  • The Tasmanian Tiger died out before Barack Obama was even born, making it impossible for their extinction to be caused by “Obama-era job-killing regulations.”
  • Queen Elizabeth has never FaceTimed Donald Trump, and she certainly has not done so while masturbating.
  • The Pyramids were not built using Wookiee slave labor.
  • Hillary Clinton is not in charge of a secret society called the Hilluminati.
  • Her husband is similarly not the head of the Billuminati.
  • There is no passage in the Bible that states “See a fag, punch a fag.”
  • Mormons are not amphibious in the slightest.
  • Joe Biden is still alive.
  • While African-American employment numbers are rising, it has nothing to do with the XFL’s relaunch.
  • Herbert Hoover and J. Edgar Hoover were neither the same person, nor were they twins.
  • There are 50 states.


  1. My mental health is all the better for my not watching this nonsense tonight. Watching the Jazz beat the Warriors in repurposed 1976 Padres uniforms was surprisingly more entertaining (and I root for the Warriors).

  2. I don’t care what that scumbag said, unless it was “ouch my head hurts” and then his fucking skull explodes like in “Scanners”.

    Fuck him with Roy Cohn’s crusty Steely Dan.

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    January 31, 2018 at 11:54 am

    ahhh perfect. didn’t miss a thing, thank you. hunkered down in the book store and read White Bicycles (joe boyd) as opposed to sitting at the bar & watching the shitshow.

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