Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

FAQ (The ‘A’ Is For ‘Aoxomoxoa’)

What’s up with Donna? Why does she sing out-of-tune? – Phineas Phakenamington, Philadelphia, PA

What’s up with your mother? And her vagina, which displays a stunning lack of forethought as to its door policy?  Everyone is allowed in there and fights break out; the sheriffs get called all the time. Once, there was an outbreak of Legionnaires’s Disease that was found to have your mother’s vagina as the vector; that’s right, Mr. Phakename: people were Caribbean cruising on your mother’s vagina. Plus, she looks like your balls smell, also:  your father’s dreams continue to go unrealized. Unless he’s no longer with us, in which case you have my condolences: I’m truly sorry for your loss.

Maybe she sings out of tune because the human throat–unlike, say, a guitar–is an imprecise instrument. It lacks any output jack; it is an acoustic instrument that has been miked and when that is matched against, for example, a gaggle of ripped-to-the-tits nitwits who have built a wall to make their sound, it is difficult to intonate precisely,

PLUS, we must have consistency: yes, poorly-intonated playing is dreadful. I agree, and I agree across the board. So, if you’re getting mad that Mrs. Donna Jean–a Grateful Dead member–was out-of-tune and haven’t been outraged for years about Big Chief Second Helpings, then I’m looking at you with askance, you perpetuator of the patriarchy. For all of Garcia’s bad qualities, which have been catalogued in numerous well-shoplifted books, his attitude of “good enough” towards all of his strings tonally agreeing with both one another and the rest of the band was possibly the most annoying. Well, maybe the accidentally burning down structures.

How do you pronounce “Godchaux”? – Keith G., Palo Alto, CA  


What exactly is a new potato caboose?  – Abandoning  Thenamebit, Duetobored, OM

Something Phil used to do to groupies. Remember Zeppelin’s Mud Shark Incident? Like that, but with a Gaelic twist.


No, of course not: that’s not something a human would to do to another! It strains the bonds of decency and taints every piece of beauty on the earth. To know that somewhere, sometime, someone did this to someone else…if you knew it to be true, you would puke your brain straight of your ass. No human being is capable of this kind of horror.

Billy did it, not Phil.

What are the Dead really like?

Well, in the statistical aggregate, they’re around 41% deceased. Individually, I have no idea.

Are any of the stories captures so piquantly on these bloggings actually true.

For certain valuations of ‘true’, yes.

Why didn’t they play Ripple more?

Because it was just too pretty. Ripple was so pretty that Bobby kept demanding anal from it.


  1. Donna sang out of tune because, in the male-dominated world of the Dead (c’mon, it was a boys’ club), she wasn’t important enough to get proper monitors. She couldn’t hear her damn self!! Plus, well she was probably fuckin’ wasted quite often.


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