Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Fire Wardrobe

hillary-bill-plane

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“What?”

“Please hold for the President.”

“Oh, what now? An hour, please. Just an hour. Give me one hour without your hectoring, haranguing, holier-than thou tone.”

“You forgot ‘haughty.’Where are ya, Hillary?

“Plane back to New York with Bill.”

“Philly, huh?”

“It was great. Thank you, Mr. President. Such a high note to end the campaign on.”

“Ah! Funny you should use those words. You got the teevee on, Hill?”

“My eyes hurt.”

“My head hurts. Turn on CNN.”

lady-gaga-raleigh

“You gotta be shitting me.”

“What the fuck, Hillary? Just, just: what the fuck? I am an educated and eloquent man, dammit, and all I have left for you is ‘what the fuck?’ You have reduced me, Hillary, you decade-long albatross around my neck.”

“Why is she a Nazi?”

“Good question! That is a good fucking question, Hill! Why is Lady Gaga dressed as a Nazi?”

“Hail Mary appeal to Trump voters?”

“Yeah, jokes. Tell jokes right now. Look at the screen again.”

lady-gaga-nazi

“Still laughing, Hillary?”

“Goddammit. ”

“The only way this could be worse is if ‘stronger’ were in German. And who chose that shade of blue? Jesus, I have to do everything.”

“Hill, why is Madonna dressed like a Nazi?”

“Read your book, Bill. Mr President, I’ll make a call.”

“No, no. I’ll do it. If you handle it, she’s liable to wind up wearing something worse.”

“What’s worse than a Nazi uniform?”

“If anyone could figure it out, it’s you. I’ll take care of–”

A BALALAIKA RINGING OUT

“Hill, I’ll call you back. Y’know what? I’ll won’t return this call, but we’ll pick it up when I call you for the next disaster in an hour.”

“Looking forward to it, Mr. Presi–”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“How’d you get in here?”

TOPSHOT - Russian President Vladimir Putin (L) meets with his US counterpart Barack Obama on the sidelines of the G20 Leaders Summit in Hangzhou on September 5, 2016. / AFP PHOTO / SPUTNIK / ALEXEI DRUZHININALEXEI DRUZHININ/AFP/Getty Images

“I am Russian bear. Bear is very sneaky.”

“No, it’s not. Bears make a ton of noise.”

“Maybe obnoxious Yankee bear. Russian bear silent.”

“Nonsense. Wanna know what’s silent? Eagle. No sound at all.”

“No. You are thinking of owl.”

“Vladimir, I don’t have time to argue about the relative volume of woodland creatures. I’ve got an election to take care of.”

“Da. Me, too.”

“I’m gonna quote from a great American right now, and say that if I see you peek your little head up over there in the fucking slightest today, then we’re gonna have a problem.”

“Maybe we already have problem.”

“You’re the one with the problem.”

“No problem. You are problem.”

“Everyone needs to stop it with that bit. Listen, gulag-face: keep your greasy Cossack mitts out of the election. Last warning.”

“What in it for me?”

“What?”

“Make me offer.”

“The United States does not negotiate with terrorists.”

Hamilton tickets.”

“Done.”

1 Comment

  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    November 8, 2016 at 9:36 am

    Lady G. channeling Micheal J.!

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