The second thing Kitty Hawk did upon assuming the directorship of the Museum of Modern Terrible Dead Art (MoMTDA, pronounced “Mom: TA-DAA!”was lower the museum’s standards while simultaneously cranking up the fundraising efforts. Technically, that’s the second and third things, but like I said: simultaneous. The first thing, you might remember, was putting the gift shop in the main gallery, and shoving all the art into the smelly little room the gift shop used to occupy. Also, she cranked the heat up in there.
Naturally, this made the Board unhappy: this was a museum, a palace of the arts–terrible as it may be–and a little decorum was in order. The Board also pointed out that Kitty had, along with the art, shoved the docents into the gift shop and several had died.
Some walls were knocked down, and most of the paintings and sculptures returned to public view; the gift shop was enlarged, as was its stock. Any art in the museum could be printed out onto a t-shirt while you waited. If you didn’t want to wait, you could pay a poorer person to do it for you. Miniatures of all the sculptures were available, and the ones that were phallic had been made from silicone and had suction cups on their bases so you could back up into them in the shower.
The children’s section was Kitty’s pet project. Or maybe the pet section. She knew nothing about children or pets other than the fact that their owners liked to buy them shit. At first, the shelves were full of those bleary educational toys and games found in every other museum gift shop, but kids hate those toys, and only ask out of duty and fear. As awful a toy store that this may be, the child thinks, if I walk out without something, then I’m setting a dangerous precedent. The museum toy store is the only one where children choose their gift begrudgingly.
All that dreck had to go, and Kitty knew the direction the children’s section should go, and that was Times Square in the 80’s. Throwing stars, nunchucks, fake IDs, plastic bongs: everything a child at a Grateful Dead museum would love.
As for the pet section, Kitty soon discovered that if you slap a Dancing Bear on some dog bullshit, then you can’t keep it on the shelf. She raised the prices on a water bowl with a Stealie in the bottom four times in a month, and sales just got better.
Kitty Hawk had been in the art world for a while, but this was her first foray into the museum business; she was a quick study, though.