Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Foods I Have Never Tasted

The Majority of Fruits And not just the weird ones: I’ve never eaten a strawberry or a cherry. Once, as a boy, I had some grapes; did not care for the experience. Plums? Peaches? Pineapples? Nope, nope, nope. (I have had peach ice cream, but only because the friend I was eating mushrooms with said that the shroom’s fecal taste was perfectly counteracted by the peach flavor. He was right: it was the only time I’ve ever gotten shrooms down without gagging or trying to drown the fuckers down my throat with multiple swallows of water.)

The Majority of Vegetables If you serve me peas, I will burn your house down. Celery gets the gas-face. Any sort of beet-related foodstuff–radishes and whatnot–are also out. Cabbage is for other people, not me.

Mushrooms The non-magic kind? Not only have I never eaten a mushroom, but if one touches another piece of food, then I cannot eat that food any longer.

Lamb Or mutton, whatever you call it. Sheep are for wearing and counting and fucking, not eating.

Egg in any Preparation other than Scrambled When the yolk and white are separate, all I can think is: the yellow part was supposed to fly. That was a bird, and now it’s breakfast.

Kampuchea I’m pretty sure that Kampuchea is a place, but you know what I’m talking about. The beverage that people on Instagram like. And don’t get me started on Acai. I couldn’t even pick Acai out of a police lineup.

Innumerable Condiments, Sides, and/or Toppings Cream cheese, sour cream, cole slaw. It will also come as no surprise to you that I have elaborate rules about ketchup and its use.

What the fuck do you eat?

Fried chicken, oatmeal, and blueberries.

You’re gonna die.

I know.

Good post, buddy.

Not my best effort.

Didn’t really put any effort into it.


But you’re still gonna hit “publish,” right?



  1. You know this pretty much negates your “Food Questions, Solved” post.

  2. No wonder I like you so much.

    Crazy Food Rules FTW!

  3. Owsley Diet, 2.0

  4. You did an excellent job concealing this madness in Chicago.

  5. Kampuchea. Kampuchea is the only thing mentioned above that I have never eaten.

    But I do have strict rules about both ketchup and mustard.

    And yellow mustard is only exeptable from a vendor inside of the park, during the game.

  6. Luther Von Baconson

    September 4, 2017 at 6:10 pm

    from New Jersey. no corn, tomatoes, cukes?

    poo in the pants.

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