Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

For Elvis In Blue Jeans

What the hell is this?

“ALL OF MAH CAPES ARE AT THE DRY CLEANERS.”

Occupational hazard.

“THIS IS CHARLIE HODGE’S BED.”

You mean his blanket.

“NEVER CORRECT YOUR KING! THIS IS CHARLIE HODGE’S ENTIRE BEDDING! AH MAKE HIM SLEEP ON THE FLOOR AT THE TOP OF THE STEPS.”

Sounds right.

“HE DEFENDS MAH HOME OF GRACELAND AGAINST INCURSION BY COMMUNIST OR ALIEN. PLUS, SOMETIMES MAH SHIFTY, SMELLY, WALL-EYED, THREE-BALLED CHICKEN-RAPIST OF A DADDY–”

Vernon.

“–VERNON DONE TRIPS OVER CHARLIE HODGE, AND FALLS DOWN THE STAIRS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. THIS AMUSES THE KING.”

You have an earthy sense of humor.

“AH AM A KING OF THE PEOPLE.”

Right. Wow, those are big bell-bottoms.

“AH HAVE MANY GUNS IN MY PANTS.”

Oh.

CELL PHONE NOISE

Is that you?

“AH DO NOT CARRY A CELL PHONE. THEM THINGS SHOOT JEWISH BEAMS INTO YOUR SKULL.”

I heard that. Must be me. Lemme answer this.

“IF THASS THE PHARMACY, TELL ‘EM TO SEND OVER THE USUAL.”

Okay.

Hello?

“You doing Thoughts on the King now?”

Oh. Hello, Mayer.

“So, how you been?”

Good.

“You don’t wanna ask me how–”

Eh.

“–I’ve been? Wow. Rude. And I’ve been so busy: so many wonderful new career firsts.”

Why are you sweaty?

“Another first. I tried crystal meth tonight.”

Yeah?

“I really like it. Have any states legalized recreational meth use?”

There’s no such thing as “recreational” meth use.

“Great, awesome. So, you know: I heard that Elvis and Katy had showed up.”

Yup.

“And I just figured there’d be a part for me. Something crazy, one of your little adventures.”

Nope.

“You’re being kind of a dick, man.”

Well, I’m sorry, John: you’re four months early. When Summer Tour rolls around, I’ll pay attention to you and your outfits; not now.

“Jesus.”

You want me to lie to you?

“What does Elvis say?”

About what?

“Me. Being in the storyline.”

What storyline? There’s nothing happening. There’s no plot.

“That’s never stopped you before. I want in. Ask the King.”

Fine. Elvis?

BANG!

BANG!

Holy shit! Did you just shoot at me?

“YOU HAVE THE KING’S APOLOGIES. AH DID NOT MEAN TO FIRE UPON YOU. I WAS LETTIN’ LOOSE A MIGHTY KICK OF KARATE WHEN ONE OF THE GUNS IN MY BELL-BOTTOMS WENT OFF BY ACCIDENT

There were two shots.

“AH ALSO SHOT AT YOU ON PURPOSE.”

Goddammit, Elvis, you can’t shoot at people.

“THASS WHERE YOU’RE WRONG: AH SHOOT AT PEOPLE ALL THE DAMN TIME. IT IS CALLED NOBLES OBLIGE. MEANS AH C’N DO WHATEVER AH WANT.”

No, it means the opposite of that.

“AH WILL CONTINUE FIRING PISTOLS AT PEOPLE WHO DISPLEASE AND/OR STARTLE ME.”

Great, okay, whatever. Hey, John Mayer’s being a pain in the ass. You want him in the storyline?

“WHO?”

Josh Meyers.

“PASS.”

Okee-doke. You hear that, John?

“Aw.”

3 Comments

  1. This is awesome. Even better when you read The King’s parts in Eugene from Walking Dead’s voice.

  2. Mayer is really trying to get your attention:

  3. No one else is concerned that the audience consists mostly of Jawa, those glowing eyed star wars critters?

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