“I-a know you. You-a da fibber.”
“I have many sins to confess, Your Holiness.”
“Si, si. You was-a bearin’ da false witness.”
“Yes, Your Holiness. I come seeking forgiveness.”
“I-a don’t know. You did-a some nutty goofball-a stuff. What’s-a da Holocaust Center?”
“I was nervous, Your Holiness. It turns out I’m not very good under pressure.”
“Mm. I-a don’t know.”
“Oh, please, Your Holiness. I can’t live with my sins.”
SEAN SPICER PROSTRATING HIMSELF NOISE
“Oh, for da love-a God. Get off-a da floor, Spicey.”
“Please don’t call me that.”
“She was-a funny doing you on-a da teevee. What’s-a her name? Da big-a girl?”
“Melissa McCarthy.”
“She should-a do another film with-a da Sandy Bullock. Those-a two had chemistry.”
“Yes, sir.”
“I was-a sad when-a you quit. I wanted to see what-a she gonna do with-a da podium next.”
“It was a fan favorite sketch, Your Holiness. Actually caused me quite a bit of trouble at work.”
“Si, si. The devil, he have-a da thin skin. Usually, he also have-a da red skin, but now it’s-a orange. You know who got-a da great sense of humor about-a himself?”
“Jesus?”
“Jesus. All-a da time, da Apostles-a roast him. Give-a him da zingers. Personal stuff-a. About-a da beard, everything.”
“And Christ just took the jokes?”
“He took-a da cross, he could take-a da joke. Except about-a his dad not being around. That’s-a da no-go spot.”
“Sensitive topic.”
“Thaddeus said-a something one time, and-a Jesus? He-a Force-chokes him.”
“Jesus Force-choked a disciple, Your Holiness?”
“Si, si. Like-a da Darth Vader.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“It’s-a not in-a da canon. Deep in-a da apocrypha.”
“Ah. What were we talking about?”
“All-a da sins you committed.”
“Right. Your Holiness, please release me from–”
“All right, all right. Dominus Vobiscum, bippit-a boppit-a boo. You’re-a forgiven.”
“Oh, thank you! Thank you, thank you!”
PAPAL SLEEVE KISSING NOISE
“Hey, hands off-a da merchandise.”
“Thank you, Your Holiness.”
“It’s-a what I do.”
Jesus Force-choked a disciple.
He is most infinite.