Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Found In Garcia’s Briefcase

  • Music books
  • Comic books.
  • Crackers.
  • Pistol.
  • Drugs.
  • Empty baggies that previously contained drugs.
  • One hand-written note: “IOU ONE(1) DRUGS – KEITH”
  • Key to hotel room.
  • Key to new, unburned hotel room.
  • Key to backup room in secret part of hotel his wife has not been told about.
  • iPhone 6 that neither the drummers nor Bobby can play with anymore because of their flagrant, often gleeful, disregard for even the most basic of Time Sheath technology protocols.
  • It’s one thing to watch videos or listen to music, but Bobby opened an Instagram account and was taking requests for pictures.
  • People would ask Bobby to take his shirt off and he stripped off like a shiny new runaway and posted it.
  • Which would be fine if the request wasn’t made 38 years after the fulfillment of said request.
  • And people notice that sort of thing.
  • Buzzfeed notices that sort of thing, and then tells people.
  • Bobby, meanwhile, is digging the shitload of “likes” he’s getting, and is contemplating leaking a sex tape.
  • So, first: meeting.
  • Second: an unbelievably intricate erase jobs for the Unfuckers of Time.
  • The Unfuckers of Time are the last resort for Time Square when (before, preferably, but that’s the thing with time travel) someone truly fucks up the timestreams.
  • Humans overestimate their importance, especially when it comes to history. We’ve all read that stupid Bradbury story, or more likely seen The Simpson’s parody of it, about the time-travelling guy who steps on a bug in pre-history and when he gets back to the present, human beings are all made out of fudge or something like that.
  • That’s stupid.
  • Time is the river; man is the fish. Except the riverbanks are also flowing, along with the fields that run along the river, and the hills that rise beyond that stand of tress.
  • All flows.
  • It takes a lot to change the course of time, and you might think it out of the reach of the individual, but people are unbelievably good at fucking things up.
  • It’s amazing what you can get done if you don’t think about the consequences of your actions.
  • The Unfuckers of Time were going to call themselves the Butterfly Killers, after that whole “butterfly effect” thing, but one smoky afternoon–the Unfuckers of Time have the dank, yo–they realized that a chain of cause-and-effect just as ludicrous could be constructed top-down, from the massive storm to the swoop of a butterfly.
  • And that the whole silly analogy was based on a computer error in a weather simulator, so it might not be true, and also butterflies are not cool.
  • 99% of the time, the Time Cops would get a ping that new Time Sheath technology has come online; the Vandams (they hated being called that) would pop into the Third Reich, wait for the new time traveller to try to kill Hitler, and hit him or her in the head with a stick.
  • Then there would be a chat, some paperwork, more hitting with sticks, and the time traveller was free to go and sin no more.
  • Occasionally, though, someone wouldn’t immediately try to kill Hitler (or his parents or ancestors or whatnot; or give Hitler art lessons and blowjobs; or get him into CrossFit: any variation on “no Hitler.”)
  • The Vandams could follow the trail, or call the Hounds, but usually the new traveller was enriching himself at a sporting event or bothering people from the future.
  • People from the past are treated like Eurotrash in the NYU freshman dorm: you can sell drugs to them, you can have sex with them, but they’re not technically people.
  • Women went to the future more than men did. A lot of women went to the past, but briefly, and only to mutter the phrase, “Oh, right, fuck: chattel,” and get the hell out of there.
  • But, there were your Silly Gooses. Never geese: the subjects of investigation were known collectively–and officially–as Silly Gooses.
  • Silly Gooses are the worst kind of people to get ahold of Time Sheath technology.
  • They want to help.
  • They’ve thought things through.
  • It just makes sense.
  • It’s gonna work.
  • Trust me.
  • And by the time the Unfuckers of Time get there, Napoleon is the Pope of Canada and werewolves have won the Space Race.
  • Think about how badly you have to pooch the timestreams for that to happen. The Space Race is now not only between the US and the Soviets, but also werewolves are in the mix.
  • Winning, in fact. Make all the jokes you want re: werewolves/moon, but the fact is that they beat us there.
  • That doesn’t happen overnight.
  • Did the werewolves beat us to the Nazi rocket scientists that made up the first generation of NASA engineers?
  • Were werewolves in World War II? Was there ever a guy who was a Jewish guy, but a Nazi werewolf?
  • At any point, did draculas get involved?
  • This is the bullshit that the Unfuckers of Time deal with regularly: the big, stupid jobs that require the proper use of both scalpel and piledriver and the wisdom to know which to use when.
  • They were the Seal Team Six of IT squads.
  • Also, each and every one of them, due to years of multitemporal existence and chronometric instability (plus the usual booze and pills,) was crazy as a loon and kind of ornery.
  • So along with all their other weird bullshit, when they demanded to be called the Unfuckers of Time, everyone just went with it.


  1. “It’s amazing what you can get done if you don’t think about the consequences of your actions.”

    That’s gold right there.

  2. Sir Luther Van Baconson

    May 6, 2015 at 7:38 pm

    maybe a Parachute Man in there too? some wacky pack stickers?

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