Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

From The Top #3

Things Keith’s piano on Dave’s Picks 3 sounds like:

  • Sasparilla.
  • Bathing in a bucket, or–if one were rich–a large bucket.
  • Gingham.
  • Wood in plank form.
  • All dry goods, as a matter of fact.
  • Whiskey for breakfast.
  • Swinging doors. (The swinging doors on saloons are the western version of the hanging bead doors of the East. Discuss.)
  • (In that both fail to keep either weather or interlopers out, which are the two literal functions of a door, but provide a sharp and defined threshold of “in” and “out” that is a door’s emotional rasion d’etre.)
  • (It is also fun to work through swinging doors and the bead thing. Revolving doors are getting on my nerves, even though I’m aware that they’re necessary in large buildings.)
  • Horses.
  • Cattle, perhaps.
  • Chickens? I’m assuming there were chickens.
  • Gold.
  • Silver. Silver?
  • Tin.
  • No. Tin was Peru. Or maybe Belgium.
  • That was Tintin.
  • The word “cocksucker.”
  • Ditto “hooplehead.”
  • Men’s button-down shirts that somehow had collars that were completely separate things.
  • Bustles.
  • Petticoats.
  • Frocks.
  • Laudanum.
  • The eternal themes of societal justice vs. personal revenge.
  • Speaking of justice: whoever has the badge is the Sheriff. That’s how it worked. The old sheriff would give the young gun his badge and that was it. No paperwork, no background check. Sometimes it would happen as the old sheriff lay dying in the street and he would force it into Young Gun’s hand.
  • It happened that way almost every time, to be honest.
  • It was a lot like playing tag.
  • There had to be a fuck-up once, at least. Where Old Sheriff gets ambushed by the Bad Men and he’s dying. He needs to give the badge to Young Gun before he croaks, because justice in the Wild West worked the same way that Green Lantern rings do.
  • But Old Sheriff has lost a lot of blood and he ends up giving the badge to Comic Relief.
  • Who, of course, see the potential to relive some dramatic tension through comedy and immediately begins running around deputizing people and horses.
  • And Young Gun’s pissed.
  • “Gimme that thar darngum hornswoggling rastafrasta badge, pardner!”
  • “Oh. You’re doing, like, Mel Brooks Wild West people?”
  • “Were we going darker with it?”
  • “I was told Deadwood. I had this whole thing written.”
  • “Oh, man. My agent fucked up.”
  • “You know how tough it is to write that dialogue, man?”
  • “I am sorryBUT I’M THE SHERIFF YAAAAAY!”
  • And then he runs off, and the town decides to just let him go, figuring the local Native tribes will take care of him.
  • Which was racist, but the West was objectively the most racist place in the world at the time.

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