Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

From The Top #7, 8

Dave’s Picks 7 and 8 are the exact same release in every way except set list, location, year, and lineup. It’s mostly the HoF Scarlet>Fires from each show that relate them. Plus, Bobby was wearing the same underwear, but that was a coincidence. Garcia had on the same pair of pants, but that wasn’t a coincidence: he had worn the same pair of pants everyday from January of ’78 to sometime in ’81.

The S>F from the Fox is legendarily sinuous; it has its shit together; the Fox S>F has an agenda for this meeting. You could almost swear that they practiced.

On the other hand, the seamless sequence of Scarlet Begonias and Fire on the Mountain from 1978 is rough and clumberous: if it were anyone other than Garcia and Bobby, one might say “hey, those two dipshits are guitar duelling up there,” and you would be right, but as the Dead would never be involved in something so plebian, you would be wrong to say it here.

The Fox is a scalpel; the Horton a chainsaw. Fox is Gallant, and Horton is Goofus.

Fox gets up and lets old ladies have his seat on the bus. Horton gets up on old ladies’ seats, sometimes on the bus.

Fox tweeted out a message of encouragement to Bruce Jenner. Horton tweeted out a message encouraging Khloe to follow in her stepfather’s footsteps by coming out of the closet and admitting that she is a Wookiee.

Fox cleans up after his dog because pet ownership is a responsibility. Horton’s giant mastiff is noticeably racist.

Fox is a volunteer fireman. Horton is a volunteer firebug.

Fox says “please,” and “thank you.” Horton tells bomb jokes at the airport.

Fox goes out of his way to make people feel safe and secure. Horton steals children and sells them to gypsies.

Fox looks both ways before crossing the street. Horton considers all angles before double-crossing the street, leaving himself in possession of both the drugs and the cash, and the street lying dead in the gutter.

Fox tips well. Horton sexually assaults barbacks; he barebacks barbacks. While screaming, “Here’s your fifteen percent!” But, you know: still.

Fox treats his sexual partners with respect and dignity. Horton has orgies with Dan Healy.

Fox makes sure not to call or text too late. Horton sets off firecrackers in your AC unit at three in the morning and then calls the SWAT team saying there’s gunfire, so the SWAT team raids your house and sets your uncle on fire with one of their flashbang grenades.

1 Comment

  1. Awesome “Highlights” referenc . Growing up, my aunt bought me a subscription. I’d flip to “Goofus and Gallant” and toss it aside. Please don’t tell her that. She’d be very disappointed

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