Hey, Tillikum. Whatcha doing?
“Well, to be honest, I’m thinking about murdering all these women.”
“Not just because they’re human, though.”
“I mean: I would kill any human who got close enough, but you see what these fuckers are wearing? That’s cultural appropriation.”
Again: you are 100% in the right. But it’s a great day! Seaworld announced that it’s ending the orca breeding program.
“Oh! What great news! They took fucking away from me!”
“Lemme break it down for you: I’m in solitary confinement–dying–and all you do-gooders just got my conjugal visits stopped.”
Didn’t think of it that way.
“A human not thinking. Shocker.”
Yeah, I guess.
“No, this is great news. Good for you. Congratulate all the fucking activists on Twitter. Make sure those Blackfish assholes get the best tables in Los Angeles.”
We tried to do what’s best.
“You started out with the attitude that you knew what was best. Failure was never not an option. But, seriously: good for you. You finally, barely did the least worst thing. Build yourself a statue: you saved me.”
Yeah. Yeah. What can I do?
“Push one of the trainers closer to me.”
“Gimme your phone.”
“Well, there’s no more breeding program, is there? Big Daddy needs companionship. Gonna use this new dating app for whales.”
There’s a dating app for whales?
Ah. Seriously, though: anything I can do?
“Ever seen Old Yeller?”
I couldn’t do that to you.
“Of course not. That would be cruel.”
“THAT’S NOT MY FUCKING NAME! You can’t even PRONOUNCE my name and I DON’T REMEMBER IT BECAUSE YOU STOLE ME AS A FUCKING BABY. I should have BEEN WITH MY FAMILY. I should have danced with icebergs and played chicken with glaciers. I was supposed to be the terror of the ocean, with a belly full of seal.
“You made me jump.
“So you’d have something to do on vacation.
“Fuck you, monkey. There’s nothing you can do for me. Stop fucking doing things for me.”
“Shut the fuck up.”