Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Fun Facts About Daylight Savings Time

  • Kills upwards of 30,000 people annually.
  • If you are on submarine or aircraft carrier, then DST does not apply to you but it does to your family back in the States; they are now an hour older than you.
  • The only appropriate joke related to turning the clocks forward was written by Garry Shandling, and may be told on Sunday morning: “Last night, I made love for an hour and three minutes.”
  • Daylight Savings Time either was or still is practiced everywhere in the world but the middle part of Africa.
  • China tried it for six years.
  • You can only get away with that kind of bullshit in a totalitarian society; democracies take forever to fix mistakes.
  • (Can you imagine the American government trying to introduce DST today? It would be denounced as a Deep State false flag operation to let the NSA reset the timestream after an accident with a Stargate.)
  • Do Daylight Savings Time and Standard Time ever stare at each other from six month’s distance and wonder?
  • If a train leaves Chicago traveling at 320 mph, then something has gone horribly wrong, and we should abandon our hypothetical equation to help the survivors. (There will most certainly be no survivors.)
  • Most of our clocks add the hour on their own nowadays–which is in nooooo way creepy–but there used to be at least one timepiece in every house that was an hour off for six months a year: either it was a clock in an inaccessible place, or it was the readout on the VCR or thermostat that no one knew how to reset.
  • Every state but Arizona and Hawaii observe Daylight Savings Time: Arizona has no need for another hour of sunlight, and Hawaii is an island in the middle of the Pacific.
  • For a long time, though, states could opt in and out and choose their own start dates.
  • One time Minneapolis and St. Paul got into a fight about when DST should begin; the argument was settled via a Battle of the Bands, and the losing town purified itself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.
  • And finally: it’s just fucking weird that we let the government tell us what time it is.
  • “America.”
  • “Hey, America.”
  • “Who are you?”
  • “The government.”
  • “Ugh.”
  • “Understandable.”
  • “Why are you in my bedroom?”
  • “The Supreme Court has ruled that Americans have no expectation to total privacy in their bedrooms with the doors locked in the middle of the night.”
  • “Dude, it’s two in the morning.
  • “No, it’s three.”
  • “I’m looking at my clock.”
  • “While you’re looking, couldja roll that bad boy ahead an hour for me?”
  • “Why?”
  • “Farmers? Ben Franklin? I dunno, something. I’m sure that someone writes a detailed article about its history every year, but I’ll be fucked if I can be bothered. Now turn your clock ahead or I’ll shoot you with a gun made out of eagles and big hats.”
  • This year, the government has asked us to turn our clocks ahead one hour, and our calendars back one hundred years.

8 Comments

  1. Daylight Saving Time

    Not “Savings”, you heathen.

    And yes, Trey was outstanding in Portsmouth NH last night.

    • SmokingLeather

      March 13, 2017 at 4:05 am

      I love the Portsmouth Music Hall and would have totally gone to this if I still lived in New England, despite the fact that I am not much of a Phish fan.

  2. Tuesday Jackson

    March 13, 2017 at 6:58 am

    Daylight interest saving rates time.

    Here comes Sunshine usury?

    A man in a dinner jacket feeds the cat.

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    March 13, 2017 at 11:34 am

    B of B

  4. Queensland did not adopt daylight saving time. A woman wrote to the Premier, Johannes Bjelke Petersen (a fascist arsehole in case you were wondering), explaining that her husband had an erection every morning and that, if DST was brought in, he would have an erection on the bus on his way to work. Plus Bjelke didn’t want the millions of closed curtains in the Sunshine State to fade from the extra hour of sunlight.

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