Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Gimme An E

You do not have Ebola. You will never get it, nor come within a mile of anyone who has it. Ebola has not seeped int the soil; it has not been carried aloft by mosquitos; water fountains are to be trusted. The chance that Garcia can name one of his children’s’ teachers–Any child, any grade, just one name–is staggeringly higher than the chances of you contracting Ebola.

One day soon, you will be playing Scrabble, or one of the many Scrabble knock-offs. You will attempt to play the word” Ebola” and it will not be allowed. This will be the worst way in which you are affected by Ebola.

Perhaps you will wonder how much of the coverage of this disease is colored–inexorably and inextricably and inherently–by King Leopold’s ghost, that blood spectre the white fuckers pissed all over the African continent in the last century and whose presence today is seen in foreign-owned minerals and tent cities. Maybe you will read these cultural critiques, these theses, these scholarly exegeses on a toy built for you by underage Chinese labor. You might feel a certain self-awareness come over you. It may lead to gratitude, but probably not, and anyway: the feeling will pass.

But you do not have Ebola.

However, you might. We all might. And in that case, TotD formally advocates assuming that we do and proceeding thusly. I say we move past the initial confusion and get right to running around flailing our arms and biting strangers.

Panic: let’s have one. Start the rumor that “Ebola” is Swahili for “chaos” (and “opportunity.”) Then, run into an opera house and start blindly waving around a sword.

Go to your local bar and tell everyone that the “A” in Ebola stands for “Atheist” and rouse up the rabble to go burn down the atheists’ house down the street. Then burn down a house. (The house doesn’t actually have to have to belong to atheists: you can just tell everyone that. Or not. You know: whatever, as long as a random house gets burned down by a mob.)

Paint the word “Ebola” all over your car and drive it through the Farmer’s Market. You can drive real slow, too.

Panic! At the disco or any other nighttime fun establishment! There is a disease named Ebola! And you will certainly die!

It is a well-known fact that children are filthy vectors of filth and illness, so before you leave your house you should cover every inch of your body with garbage bags, secure all that with duct tape, put on some swim goggles you found in the garage, and tackle every child on sight. You need to get a good run at them: children are rubbery, but you’ve got a huge weight advantage on them, plus the element of surprise. Most children will not be expecting a strange grown-up to tackle them on the street, especially one in a homemade Hazmat suit.

In closing: Keep Calm & You Have Ebola.

You’re a dangerous lunatic.

I don’t know, he made some good points: I have been worried about Ebola, and I’ve heard all of these so-called “experts” and “doctors” tell me that there’s no medical reason that anyone should be worried at all. Now I’ve gotten to hear the other side of the argument: that we should abandon reason and prove those doomsday prepper folks correct. Now I can make my own choice, because I’m informed.

I hate everything about everyone.

1 Comment

  1. I think that Obama’s response has been unfairly criticized. After all, he does not have the expertise of his Surgeon General because……….there is no Surgeon General. Tom Friedman of the CDC has been VERY accurate with the information that has been presented to the public. That nurse had a fever of 99.5 not 100.4, so she was correctly allowed to board a commercial flight to Cleveland and carry on with her life. This was of course confirming this information with the CDC. It is absurd to think that the nurses and hospital workers who helped change the 10 liters or so of fluid lost by Thomas Duncan during his tragic last days should be quarantined and not allowed the freedom of movement. Lastly, the economic damage that could be the result of travel bans to and from countries like Liberia, Sierra Leone, etc.. are NOT to be underestimated. The WORLD depends on these economies. If there was ANY chance of this epidemic IMPACTING the economy of the USA, this should be only a secondary concern. If there was any impact at all, surely the DOW and S&P 500 would indicate this and the President might then want to think about travel restrictions. As of now we are OK. Do not forget that ISIS wrote a 26 page Fatwa BEFORE the Ebola breakout which gave clear permission of the jihad to use biological weapons of mass destruction. It provided very detailed reports of how to infect mice and other small animals with the Buebonic Plague or whatever diseases are available. They did NOT however, consider the many, many layers of security that would make it near IMPOSSIBLE to release infected rodents or even humans into the USA or Europe. We have VERY sophisticated means of security to prevent this. Baggage screeners and other high level airport security our TRAINED to detect ANY and ALL Ebola or other infectious disease carrying HUMANS and RODENTS. Everyone needs to relax.

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