Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Give ‘Em The Old Razzle-Dazzle


“We’re squad goals, right? Is that what we’re saying now? Squad? Squizzle? Are you still doing the ‘izzle’ thing?”



“New phone, who dis?”

“Please hold for the President.”

“Oh, come on.”


“What the fuck is wrong with you? Just say ‘vote for me’ and leave. Stop ad libbing! I don’t know who’s stiffer, you or Bill.”

“You have no idea of the pressure I am under here, Mr. President.”

“No, no: you’re right. My campaigns were a lot easier.”

“Thank you.”

“How could it not be easy? I was up against you.”

“Fuck you.”

“Listen, here’s the plan. at this point, there are no undecideds. We just gotta get people excited. Jay and Bey are good, but we need to target other demographics, and be smart about it. Right celebrity for the right location. I’ve been making calls. Setting up events. I’m like Bill Graham, but I don’t yell at people in Yiddish, so nothing like Bill Graham.”

“Who’d you get?”


“Mr. Worldwide, Mr. President?”

“Si. On his way to Miami. Actually, he lives there, but you know what I mean.”


“Don’t speak Spanish. Leave that to whats-his-face.”

“My veep?”


“I wanna say Tom.”

“Flip? Is his name Flip?”

“Christ, I hope not.”

“Whatever. Early voting in Georgia looks good. I think we can take it.”


“I’m sending in Cher to entertain the homosexuals of Atlanta.”

“You’re a goddamned genius, Mr. President.”

“Yes. LeBron’s doing speeches in every city in Ohio with more than five black people, and I called in a favor in Wisconsin.”

“You got Aaron Rodgers?”

“Better: Laverne and Shirley.”

“I’m in awe.”

“Yeah, sure. Hey, let’s play a fun game. It’s called ‘How badly would Barack Obama have beaten Trump?’ You go first.”

“Shame you weren’t this aggressive with Congress.”

“I could cancel all this stuff right now.”

“Thank you, Mr. President.”

“Put Beyoncé on the phone. I’d like to thank her for her patriotism.”

“Mr. President.”

“That’s an order.”

“Hello, Mr. President. This is Beyoncé.”

“Hey, boo.”

“Who are you talking to!?”



“Gimme that phone.”

“I need it. I’m running the world.”

“You’re running your mouth.”



  1. Gold, Jerry.

  2. My wife is giving me this look that says “I want to ask why your laughing, but I know you’ll make me read”

  3. Tuesday Jackson

    November 5, 2016 at 8:13 am

    Laser logic with the immaculate twang of mother comic hoopla.

  4. Luther Von Baconson

    November 5, 2016 at 10:27 am

    those blue boots are sexy. so is Michelle of course. goes without saying Barry is too.

  5. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    November 5, 2016 at 10:59 am

    Jay Z wears his shoes just once. Honest.

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