“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to cele–”
“–brate…hold on, I’m getting a FaceTime from my wife, Natasha Monster. I’ll call her back. Ah, shit, I closed the thing with the vows. Hold on.”
“I just took a selfie by accident. Huh. Is my mustache really that big? Okay, okay: wedding. Lemme juuuuuuust…got it, okay. Harrumph.
“Family, friends, road crew, Irving Azoff, VIP guests who have purchased the Praetor’s Suite package, randos: welcome. We are here today to celebrate the union of Anderson Cooper and a lady younger than him, but not too much. Right in that sweet spot.
“Now, some of you might be asking why I am officiating this ceremony. Well, it turns out that a Grateful Dead has the authority to marry people at a show. It’s like a captain on a ship. Plus: when I was a kid, I watched the Beatles on Ed Sullivan and thought, ‘I’d really like to officiate weddings.’ Things came together with, you know, synchronicity.
“So, uh, I’ve actually been marrying couples since around ’72. Started as a way to pad out the per diem, but I got into it. I really found some bliss. Meet nice folks, get paid in cash. Won’t lie: banged the brides quite a lot. And there’s always cake. I hope the two of you have brought a cake, because otherwise I’ll cross my fingers during this and it won’t count.
“Married some of the Dead. I mean, I didn’t get married to any of ’em, except once to Brent by accident and another time for tax purposes, also to Brent. I did the vows, stamped the paper. When Phil was drinking, he liked going down to the bar and getting hammered and marrying three or four women a night, and I helped him out with that. Cut him a bulk deal.
“And I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I’m a bit of a trailblazer. Been marrying same-sex couples forever. Mostly due to not paying attention, but I think my heart was in the right place. Groups, too. I’ll marry a group, sure. One time at The Omni in Atlanta, I married the audience to itself, like a Sun Yung Moon kinda deal. I did the paperwork, too, so it was legal. Bunch of people wrote in saying they had been charged with bigamy, but that’s love for you.
“Anyway, you two crazy kids are gonna–”
“–make it…dammit, I thought I turned it on vibrate. Hold on, it’s FaceTime.”
FACETIME OPENING NOISE
“I can’t talk.”
“WE DEMAND VEGAN WEDDING CAKE!”
“It’s my sister-in-law, Lillian Monster.”
“STOP THE SLAUGHTER OF MOSQUITOES!”
“Sure, okay. Call you back.”
FACETIME CLOSING NOISE
“Where were we?”