Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Gotta Have A Plan


“Yes, sir?”

“Summertime, Jenkins.”

“Is that why you’re wearing the tank top, sir?”

“Good eye.”

“Thank you , sir.”

“Tour’s coming up, Jenkins. We need to get on the stick about this. So much to do! Webcasts to overcharge for, posters to half-ass. Skank to prime.”


“Gotta prime the skank. Can’t just dive right in, unless your goal is chafing. Need to prime the skank. I invented that phrase.”

“Yeah, I think you actually did, sir.”

“I’m very creative. Jenkins, let’s talk posters.”


“Can we get someone else to do it?”

“No, sir.”

“Are they completely necessary?”

“The Deadheads seem to enjoy them, sir.”

“Deadheads enjoy staring at their hands and not washing their anuses. We shouldn’t be listening to Deadheads.”

“But they’re the audience, sir.”

“Oh, can’t we get a new one? How about Republicans? They’ll buy anything.”

“We’re stuck with the Deadheads, sir.”

“We did nothing to deserve this, Jenkins. Well, I didn’t. You deserve everything you get.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Ugh. Posters.”


“Have we sent the turtle jpegs to all the artists?”

“Yes, sir.”


“Yes, sir.”

“So, what else is there to do?”

“Quite a bit, sir. Themes need to be thought of.”

“Jenkins, do you remember when I said you had a good eye?”

“I do, sir.”

“Blast it. Blast that eye.”

“Just the one, sir?”

“For now.”

“Themes, sir.”

“Oh, fine. Just tell me the city and I’ll give you the theme.”

“Las Vegas.”

“Gambling bullshit, and the bears.”


“The sun, and also the bears.”

“Los Angeles.”

“Fake tits.”

“What about the bears?”

“Just take the bears as a given from now on, Jenkins.”

“Yes, sir. Salt Lake City.”


“Can we do that, sir?’

“We’re semi-fictional, Jenkins: we can do whatever we want. Watch. Forrester! Forrester, come in here!”

“Yes, sir?”


“You shot Forrester, sir.”

“And I won’t be punished for it. Look: his body’s gone.”


“Like it never really happened.”

“Do his wife and kids still exist?”

“They’re my wife and kids now, Jenkins.”


“Put the Osmonds on the Salt Lake City poster. All of them, too. Not just Donny and Marie. Jimmy, and Peanut, and Lil Yachty.”

“And the bears?”


“Okay! Okay, the bears.”

“Good meeting, Jenkins.”

“Last thing, sir. Any idea for the font?”

“Find one that makes the word ‘Sunday’ look like ‘sundry.'”

“Yes, sir.”

“And send my new family in here.”

“Yes, sir.”


  1. ToTD, if you crop off the bottom 1/4 of that poster it is decent.

    I think if you had a “comment section Poster Contest”.

    I promise I would get out my crayons and put something together.

    • Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

      May 30, 2017 at 11:34 am

      if you crop off the bottom 1/4 of that poster

      and then you poke a hole in the middle, and then you put on your record player and let it spin – who-wee!

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