Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Grateful Dead: After Dark

TotD was perfectly happy with no comment section, or one populated strictly by the insane, but now there seems to be a vaguely competent group and I am also okay with that.

However, sometimes the comment section introduces pernicious thoughts into the conversation, and IT IS ALL THEIR FAULT FOR WHAT’S ABOUT TO HAPPEN.

Grateful Dead Sex Toy Merch, available on fucktheewellmerch.com, was bound to be a big-seller, but the prudes upstairs shut it down. TotD has the only extant list of products.

  • Grateful Dead Real Dolls. These lifelike, high-quality sex dolls looked eerily like any member of the Dead you specified. If you want to order a bunch of them and make them do stuff to each other, that’s your business and we do discount for volume.
  • Garcia Latex Power Fist. With nub!
  • Brent Latex Greedy Mouth. With beard!
  • Cock Ring With Bruce Hornsby’s Disapproving Glare Printed On It. “Bruce says, “You’re a disgusting animal.'”
  • Lube That Tastes Like Keith.
  • Precarious Lee Brand Condoms. “For when you want a baby, or herpes.”
  • Bonera. Bobby’s preferred prescription-strength boner pill; it’s half-viagara, half-vicodin.
  • Alembic Penis Pump. This quarter-million dollar penis pump requires three mega-joules of power to run and will almost certainly rip your dick off.
  • Alembic Vibrator. It’s the size of a Buick and has at least three dozen knobs on it.
  • Alembic Handcuffs. They seem to be run-of-the-mill cuffs, but they cost $50 grand.
  • Wall Of Pound. It’s a sex pillow, and it’s a quality product: real sturdy and easy to clean.
  • Butt Plug Shaped Like Vince.

Okay, that’s enough.

I haven’t even started on the Ned Lagin section.

Don’t.

That’s the stuff you need a safe-word for, I guess.

Stop talking.

9 Comments

  1. “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Psalms 51:10

  2. “fucktheewellmerch.com” You, uh, blew it. This link should have been a RickRoll.

  3. The “Wall of Pound” made me snort oatmeal out my nose.

    You forgot to mention, however, that the thing weighs 100 tons and that you need a crew of semi-trained roustabouts to move it from fuckstop to fuckstop.

  4. This one time at band camp, Pigpen made JANIS squeal across two time zones when he unveiled the sacred Pig Tail Butt Plug.

    http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/sextoys/butt_plug.jpg

    .

  5. Oh Christ, I am laughing so hard, and I just had surgery yesterday and I’m not supposed to over-exert myself…aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*