Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Grateful Moose


I’m a big fan of the Dead. I know that I don’t talk about their music any more, or recommend shows, but trust me on this one: I like the Grateful Dead. (Y’know what: you’re right. I should involve the actual music in it a little more, so go listen to 2/22/73 from the University of Illinois which has–I’m sure–many highlights, but I just put it on and, while I’ve most likely listened to it once or twice, have no memory of whatsoever. But, you know: it’s a ’73. Life is short, listen to ’73.)

So that’s the first reason why this refrigerator magnet is my new favorite thing.

Second, obviously, is the moose: I’m a big fan of moose. They are forest rhinos of North America, and they will fuck you up with hooves the size of manhole covers. Moose is is a good name for the beasts, just because of the pluralization: it’s as awkward as their lumbering amble. I also like that there are no moose in Europe.

(Business idea: sell moose to Europeans.)

It is also a gift from Brother and Sister-in-Law on the Dead (BotD and SiLotD), which means it’s a gift from people I love, and even further still a thoughtful gift from people I love, which makes it the second-best gift of all.*

The object itself is pleasing: a magnet specifically intended for your refrigerator. A mass-produced (and delivered) luxury item attached (seemingly via magic) to a box in which I control the temperature (which resides within a larger box in which I control the temperature.) You have to pile thousands of years of knowledge and technology on top of each other to make that happen. You can also freeze stuff, which we take for granted. Humans used to freeze things by waiting for winter: for the vast majority of our existence, God was the only guy who had an icemaker. Now you can make ice in minutes, and then make frozen margaritas. For those, though, you will need salt flown in from halfway across the world and it is all so very fragile and we truly seem to be FUCKING EVERYTHING UP LATELY.

Hey, chief.

Yelled a little.

Sure did. You need to stop reading the news sites obsessively.


Wanna finish up?


Get back in there, slugger.

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, society is something something and magnets how they do they whatever.

But the best thing–the toppy-top thing–about my new fridge magnet is how lazy “Grateful Moose” is. Save this picture, Enthusiasts, and use it the next time you need to illustrate “the least you could do.”

“Jenkins, we need a design for the fridge magnet.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Where are we again?”

“Maine, sir.”

“And who are we selling these chachkis to?”

“Hippies, sir.”

“Grateful Moose. Boom. Moving on.”

“It doesn’t really make much sense, sir.”

“I said we were moving on, Jenkins. Dammit, man: we’re the third-largest fridge magnet provider in Maine. There’s a lot to do!”

“Yes, sir.”

“Oh, wait: make sure you fuck up the coloring so it looks like Grateful Mouse.”

“Of course, sir.”

*The best gift of all time was given to BotD by me: it was an invitation to the 1980 wedding of KISS drummer Peter Criss. I win gift-giving.


  1. You are on to something. Where else but 1973 for a serving of Bird Song > Dark Star > Eyes of the World > China Doll?

  2. Actually, those sissy Europeans do have moose. Of course they’re smaller than our Alaskan moose and don’t speak English either.

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