Thoughts On The Dead

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Grim Tales

What If Little Red Riding Hood

I’ve posted the screencap instead of linking to the page: I cannot even in a small way support the NRA’s nonsense. I would, however, like to play this game and audition for some freelance writing work.

TotD presents Fairy Tales With Guns:

Cinderella The evil stepsisters bully poor Cinderella until she snaps and shoots them, then all the women at the Curves gym down the street. The gun, you see, had given Cinderella power.

Jack and the Giant Beanstalk Jack trades his cow for magic beans, because he is a small business-owner, and climbs the resulting beanstalk up the giant’s house. The giant shoots him, because Jack was trespassing, and that was the giant’s right according to the Stand Your Ground laws. Plus: Jack was no saint.

Snow White Gonna be honest with you, Enthusiasts: I do not remember how the Snow White story goes. There are bluebirds and dwarves, I know that. Sister named Blood Red. Snow dated a women named Pitch Black in college, and her parents were terrible about it. A witch had an apple. Let’s give the witch a gun. There you go: I gunned it up for you.

Sleeping Beauty The Prince comes in to kiss Sleeping Beauty, but she’s got a Walther P99 9mm under her pillow and she defends herself. SHHPLDAK! There’s brain everywhere: 9mm leaves a big hole coming out: no matter how big your dong is, you could put your dong in the hole.

Hansel and Gretel Hansel and Gretel get thrown out of their parent’s home for loving guns too much, so they take to the woods, where they occupy a bird-watching cabin belonging to the federal government. Hansel teaches Gretel about the secrets of Sovereign Citizenship, and they ask for money on the internet.

Little Red Riding Hood Instead of being a victim, Little Red Riding Hood does a full recon of Grandma’s house. Upon visual confirmation of wolf-related nonsense, Red strapped a gyroscopic mini-gun on (like ones from Aliens), checked her firefield, and pulped that motherfucker. Red had also loaded a tracer for every sixth round, and Red swore she was laser bloodfucking that poor wolf who dared mess with a well-trained NRA member in good standing. Wolf’s body caught fire, too.

But, you see: wolves are protected, so Fedzilla stuck his snout where it didn’t belong and black helicopters appeared from everywhere. Little Red Riding Hood fought her way to the cabin Hansel and Gretel had occupied, killing three federal agents when she took out their SUV with a rocket launcher that it is her sacred right to own and use on police officers.

Red, Hansel, and Gretel held the bird-watching cabin for a few hours but Barack Hussein Obama was determined to destroy this country, and his jackbooted thugs surrounded the place. The tension was too much for Gretel, who put a Mossberg shotgun in her mouth. Insane with grief and just plumb-crazy (respectively), Hansel and Red had animalistic siege sex on top of Gretel’s body.

Minutes later, President Obama himself walked into the cabin and stabbed both of them, with a knife, like a European.

Little Red Riding Hood.

Hansel.

Gretel.

They are now martyrs, but not the Muslim kind: the good kind.

1 Comment

  1. Your moral fable has captured my toga.

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