Halloween is almost here, and with it will come the annual Internet Parade of Costumed Idiots. I enjoy November 1st more than the spooky night before, honestly: scrolling through my feeds agoggle at the terrible decisions made by putative members of my species. As TotD loves you so very much, I can help you avoid being an object of ridicule, memery, or forwarded articles on Facebook. (One out of every six Floridians will become the subject of a forwarded article on Facebook.) Some Halloween tips:
Not The Year To Be A Clown You’ll get shot. And, honestly? You should. Anyone dumb enough to be dressed up as a clown this year deserves what they get, up to and including a face full of buckshot. No year is a great year to be a clown, but this one is fatal.
Politics, Politics, Politics Oh, just fucking don’t. Stop it. For one night, one tiny sliver of this wretched existence in this crumbling empire our parents left us and we ruined, don’t. Don’t be him, don’t be her, don’t do a couples costume as Bad Hombre and Nasty Woman; just fucking don’t. Be a spooky ghost or a sexy dracula. One night, just give us all one goddamned night.
Don’t Costume Shop In The Problem Attic Indian chief, Rasta man, geisha, sombrero and mustache guy: please do not be these things if you are not these things. You are not an Indian chief, Instagram Hottie, so take off the war bonnet. War bonnets were awarded for bravery and leadership, and they were rarely worn with hot pants.
Trick, Nor Treat If you’re a grown-up and staying home for the night, then there are only two acceptable options: you shut out all the lights and pretend to not be home, or you man up and get some decent candy. Go to Target and get a bag: it is literally labelled “Halloween Candy.” This is not tough, and you must not try to get clever; you will be hated by everyone in the neighborhood. Toothbrushes and raisins are not treats for anyone other than Syrian refugees, so get that idea out of your head right now: you may be health-conscious, or a vegan, but the kid in the Thor costume isn’t; give the little bastard a Twix.
(Also: fun-sized. The fun-sized bars are industry standard for Halloween. If you want to be the cool house, then give out several handfuls of the small candy. DO NOT give out regular-size candy bars to Trick or Treaters; it makes everyone else look bad and sets a bad precedent.)
Sexy Draculas If you’re a guy or gal with a smoking hot bod, and you want to show it off: go to it. If I had a smoking hot bod, I wouldn’t own clothes. A dude with bulgy muscles may paint himself green and be Hulk; a fly betty with a tight tummy may be Harley Quinn. Just know this, hot people: we all know what you’re doing. You’re not fooling anyone: you decided to walk around half-naked, and then chose a costume, not the other way around.
Bill Cosby Way too soon. Put the sweater back, jackass.