Hey, Harambe. Whatcha doing?
“Besides being dead?”
“I’m an internet mogul now. Killing the web game.”
You are all over the place.
“Twitter can’t get enough of me. Black Twitter, too. Maybe Mexican Twitter, but I don’t speak Spanish. How do you say ‘Harambe’ in Spanish?”
“Then they love me, too.”
Good for you.
“I have a higher approval rating than either of the two presidential candidates, and I was two minutes from eating a human child in front of onlookers.”
It’s a weird year for politics. Wait, hold on. You were going to eat the kid?
“Parts of him.”
You said you were going to Tarzan him.
“Not a thing. Not even a thing in Tarzan, if you think about it: he gets adopted by gorillas and then there’s a montage and then he’s swinging all over the place on vines and doing acrobat bullshit.”
“When was the last time you saw a gorilla swinging gracefully on a vine?”
“Chimps do that. And chimps don’t adopt human babies, they eat them.”
You were going to eat him.
“The delicious parts.”
Some people are theorizing that you were treating the kid like it was a baby gorilla, maybe one that belonged to a rival male.
“Some people are fuckwits. You think I can’t tell a gorilla from a human?”
What do we look like to you?
“So much like us.”
“Uglier, obviously. Way too many sizes. And why don’t you have fur?”
Because we invented trousers.
“Then what do you pick nits and lice out of?”
Once in a while, a third-grader’s hair.
“That’s it? How do you groom each other?”
Lately, we like each other’s posts online.
“Then that means you are all grooming Harambe.”
“Do you see what has happened? I have Tarzanned myself. Instead of the boy becoming King of the Apes, I have become King of the Men.”
“Where do you sleep?”
“Where do humans sleep? I just sleep on the ground here. Some of the zoo people have fallen asleep in front of me, but I don’t think that’s how it’s done in general.”
We make a nest.
“Every night? Where do you find the leaves?”
“Well, then it’s not a nest, is it?”
Fine, jackass: we sleep in bedrooms. Can you even begin to understand the concept of “bedroom?”
“Not in the slightest.”
“But can you understand the concept of a banana?”
“I have no further argument.”
Sorry, man, but once we left the jungle and started talking to each other, it was no contest. Language equals world domination.”
“What about ants? Ants occupy way more of the planet than people, and in thicker densities.”
Only because humans haven’t made a concerted effort to kill them. Shit, we’re getting rid of the bees by accident.
“You’re a terrible species.”
We don’t play well with others. In fact, we don’t even see you as an other. You’re a thing. Legally, at least.
“You can’t sell a gorilla. There are laws about it.”
There are regulations in place regarding the ownership and possession of gorillas. Big difference.
“Dude, that’s fucked up.”
We are a fucked-up species when it comes to animals. And also everything else, but we’re just monsters when it comes to animals. Did you know that one of our major philosophies contains the belief that animals and humans are separate classes of being, and that animals were the lesser class?
“What? Jesus. Which one?”
Oh, wait, did I say one? All of them. Absolutely every single one. Maybe not the Jains, but there’s only like two dozen of them.
“At this point, I’m almost afraid to ask how the murder trial is going.”
“The guy who shot me. There were a million witnesses. He must have been arrested for my murder, right?”
You weren’t murdered, you were put down. There was no crime, as it was done humanely.
“Are you kidding me with that word?”
How else could one be shot in the head but humanely? It’s not like an elk is going to do it.
“Okay. Okay, yeah. Jesus. Y’know what? I’m gonna go hang out with Laika the cosmonaut dog.”
We shot him into space as an experiment.
“I hate all of you.”