NAME: Bobert Herbert Walker Weir.
ALIASES: Bobby, Bob, Helen Flatwater.
HEIGHT: Inch or two shorter than he was ten years ago.
WEIGHT: 170, 180 w/beard.
SEX: So much more than you.
RACE: Is on, and-a here comes pride up the backstretch.
OCCUPATION: Rock Star, narrator of children’s books.
KNOWN ASSOCIATES: Snake Tee-Shirt, Red Metal Stool, Matt Busch.
REMARKS: Last seen in Daytona, Florida. May have access to a race car. Would be considered a flight risk, but he can’t even get into Canada without a massive hassle and nine strip searches, so he’s probably still in America.
SUSPECT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED ARMED AND DANGEROUS! Do not approach suspect without backup. Do not ask subject for an autograph if you don’t have a pen, because that’s just presumptuous. If subject kicks off his sandals, he is about to run.