jm santa

What is this now?

“Sexy Santa.”

It’s July.

“Sexy Summer Santa.”

Did you lose another bet with Andy Cohen?

“No.”

Are you recording a Christmas album and dressed up to get in the spirit like Elvis used to do?

“No.”

Is this a sex thing?

“No.”

Ew.

“I’m into all sorts of things. Santaplay is one of them.”

Please don’t explain–

It’s like Furries, but for Christmas.

“–Santaplay. Stop talking.”

“There are Santas, and Elves, and Reindeers, and Mrs. Clauses. Everyone is welcome, as long as you’re open to having a candy cane up your ass.”

I’m begging you to keep this to yourself.

“Obviously, ‘egg nog’ means something entirely different.”

You’re a little bored with normal sex, huh?

“Little, yeah.”

You got the watch in the shot, though.

“You caught that?”

I did.

“You listening to this solo I’m killing?”

Where?

“At the show. Dead & Co. Thought you were Couch Touring.”

I am.

“So what do you think?”

Great stuff. Great, great, rockin’ stuff.

“What song are we playing right now?”

The good one. With the lyrics. And all the music. Great song.

“You’re listening to Phish.”

Little, yeah.

“Traitor.”

You’re currently performing a hostile takeover of Phish!

“This isn’t about me. It’s about you, and whether you’re paying attention to me.”

How’s that going, anyway?

“Tour’s over with Dead and Co this weekend, and then the meetings begin.”

With the band or with the assassins you’re hiring to murder Troy so you can take his place?

“The band.”

Dammit, Mayer.