Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Hawaiian Idol

BK and BE

Hey, Billy. What’s that?

“Dick totem. Pray to it: find me dicks, guide my hand, heal my knuckles. That sort of thing.”


“Little Native American hoo-hah, some Asian animism, and a heaping dollop of crazy.”

I believe the word you’re looking for is “syncretic.”

“Ah, hell: I just get high and dance around Fang the Dickfish. No real reason.”

I figured. How high are you guys?

“Including Fang?”



I figured.

“This is Benjy’s first acid trip!”

With you? A middle-aged human male is taking LSD for the first time? With you? With you?

“Yeah. I’m fucking with him. Chucked a mongoose at him a while ago, then told him “Mongooses only attack snakes. Wonder why he went for you?” Then I wandered away.”

On his first acid trip?


That’s going to twist him right up.

“Gotta toughen up the boy. He’s prone to hero-worship – you read the foreword to my book?”

Yeah, it’s four pages about how good you smell.

“Basically, yeah. Kid digs me.”

He’s a Billy Booster. Question.


You letting him make the business calls?

“That’s what managers do.”

I’d pay a lot of money to hear him and Peter Shapiro yelling at each other.

“It’s incomprehensible. It’s like one of those British gangster movies: you know they’re speaking English, but you can’t understand a fuckin’ thing.”


“You can make out the occasional “fuck” or “bro,” but beyond that it’s just a lot of nasal, gravelly vowel sounds.”

I would like a recording of this.

“Oh, you would, I know: it’s great. The part you would like is the Declaration of Headiness.”

What’s that?

“At least once every phone call, one or both of them will make their Declaration of Headiness, wherein they reiterate their deep and long-lived love for the Grateful Dead. Their voices will get low and sharp-edged and they will speak slowly. It always start off with ‘Dude? Bro?’ and then there’s the Invocation of the First Show. Usually after that comes the Mentioning of Garcia.”

Well, they’re fans.

“Yeah, they love us.”

Always a good idea to let fans run the shop. You ever listen to any Tejano music?



“You wanna talk to Benjy?”



  1. That Tejano bit was cold. But at least you didn’t make a Mark David Chapman joke.

  2. When I was in Kaua’i this past summer my brother took a piss right next to Bill without even realizing it.

  3. franz christain anderpoop

    May 14, 2015 at 8:28 am

    Your brother was lucky to escape with dick unscathed.

  4. Strange things happen on islands. This may be a “Lord of the Flies” situation.

  5. No mongoose Kau’i, that’s why there are so many chickens, just sayin’

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