Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Heart Of Sweat Band

phil music man dork

SYMBIOSIS: Most scientists have come to the consensus that Phil and his sweatband are mutually beneficial, with Phil providing sustenance and security and the sweatband secreting a substance that, chemically, lies somewhere in the middle of heroin, amphetamines, and powdered grizzly bear testicles. (Phil calls the substance his “honkytonk juice.”)

PARASITISM: There is also evidence for this hypothesis, as the sweatband has nearly tripled in size since its first appearance. Also, Phil is adamant in his claim that he’s not wearing a sweatband, but if you try to remove it, he will lose his shit and attack you using whatever is at hand as an improvised weapon such as a large crucifix, a holy water cistern, or a still-smoking censer. (I am assuming you would attempt to take the sweatband off while Phil was attending Mass.)

FUCKED-UP MOLE: It’s just a fucked-up mole.

ALIENS: Princeton University bookstore shoplifter Jimmy Smiths proposes that Phil is actually a Cat Person from Felicidae IV, throneworld to the Felis Empire; therefore, his genitals are on his right forearm. Jimmy has lost touch with most of his friends.

ILLEGAL ALIENS: Billy has, on plentiful occasions and in varied states of consciousness, accused Phil of being a Coyoté and smuggling Mexicans in to the country via his sweatband. When asked how on earth that would be possible, Billy responded, “Our sound system came to life, we have a time travel device, Garcia’s briefcase is infinitely large on the inside: why wouldn’t my idea work?” He has a point, to be honest.

1 Comment

  1. Nope. Not even going to bite this lure. Doesn’t even smell fishy.

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