Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

He’ll Rip Your Lungfish Out, Jim

Hey, Granddad, 83-year-resident of the Shedd Aquarium on Chicago. Sorry about the euthanasia.

“Eh. I was losing it. Couldn’t do the things I used to do.”

What did you used to do?

“Lay on the bottom of the tank.”

Sure. What the hell are you?

“Australian lungfish.”

Why are you called a lungfish?

“Got a lung.”

But you’re a fish.

“Weird fuckin’ world, ain’t it?”

Seriously: how do you have a lung?

“Same way pandas have a thumb made out of bone and plants in North Carolina eat insects.”

And that is?

“Evolution is on drugs.”

Stop it.

“You ever see half the shit floating around the ocean? Evolution’s a damned dopesucker. Starts one thing, then abandons it. Forgets shit all the time. You still got a tailbone, right?”



Okay. So, how’s Famous Animal Heaven?

“Everyone is being a huge dick. Honestly? Huge dicks.”

What? Oh, no. Why?

“They say I’m only locally famous.”

Well, they’re not wrong.

“A gorilla keeps asking me about memes.”

That’s Harambe.

“Guy’s always on his phone. Very rude. You know Flipper?”

The dolphin? Yeah, you met him?

“‘Met’ is one way to put it. Another is that he used me a masturbatory tool.”

Dolphins do that sometimes.

“How about Gentle Ben? You know Gentle Ben?”

Did the bear try to eat you?

“No, he didn’t.”

Oh, good.

“The bear did eat me. But I’m already dead, so I just regenerated. And then he ate me again.”

That sounds rough.

“Imagine Groundhog Day, but instead of having adventures and crises of faith, Bill Murray got eaten over and over.”

That’s a different film.

“It is. I wanna go back to Chicago. Be a big lungfish in a small pond.”

C’mon, buddy. You can make it. I believe in you.




“Here I am. Gentle Ben ate me again.”


“This is unsustainable.”

Good luck.


  1. Poor Granddad.

    Hopefully Gentle Ben doesn’t lecture him about what fucksticks human beings are each time before eating him, the way Tilikum would.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    February 10, 2017 at 7:37 pm

    He’d like to meet James Taylor

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