Oh, what the hell is this now?
“Mickey Hart’s in the laundry game!”
Why is Carol Burnett there?
“I kidnapped her!”
“Did you know that drums were humanity’s first washing machines?”
That’s not true.
“Oh, yeah. The sound of the women of the village pounding clothes against rocks down by the river: this is man’s first drum circle.”
You said women, then men.
Also not true.
“Drumming and laundry have a long and storied connection.”
“The Maytag Man once got his ass kicked by Buddy Rich.”
I don’t think that counts.
“Laundry is where I’m at now. Josh has really shown me some things: did you know you could wash t-shirts?”
Of course. You didn’t know that?
What would you do when a shirt got dirty?
“Go to the merch table and yoink a replacement.”
Yeah, humans can’t do that, Mickey. Strictly rock stars.
“Really? Huh. You should be a rock star, then.”
You’re telling me.
“And, and–this is so exciting–you know the machine that’s next to the other one? Not the one that washes.”
“Right. Do you know that’s for clothes?
What have you been using it for?
“You’re aware of my duffel bag full of furious raccoons.”
Goddammit. Don’t put raccoons in the dryer, Mickey.
“Sometimes they’re not furious enough!”
“Five minutes in that thing does it, though. ‘Dryer?'”
“They hate that, man. You wanna piss off a raccoon, throw it in the dryer.”
I’ll make a note of that.
“But I’ve also been going to laundromats. Josh has really inspired me, in a very specific sense.”
“They’re great. Did you talk to Billy yet?”
“So you’ve been made aware of the skank.”
“Great skank, man. A skank wearing her very last outfit is a skank at her skankiest. Uncut skank. Plus I found a loophole in the social contract.”
“You can totally take your pants off at the laundromat.”
“Yes, you can! I do it all the time!”
You throw bags of raccoons at people! Just because you do something, doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. In fact, it usually means the opposite.
“I’m not seeing your point.”
Like usual. Stop sexually harassing laundromats.
“I don’t take off my underwear.”
Tell the truth.
“I take off my underwear.”
There it is.
“Sometimes, I’ll lay my junk on the washing machine and call everyone over to watch it vibrate.”
For fuck’s sake, Mickey.
“I’m into all kinds of new stuff, man. Other day I gave a skank a Fluff-and-Fold.”
“Gave a skank a Fluff-and-Fold.”
What’s a Fluff-and-Fold?
“I jammed a marshmallow up her butt and bent her over a dryer.”
I regret starting this conversation.