“LEMME INNERDUCE YOU TO A REAL PRESIDENT.”
“Hello. I’m President Nixon. You see the Redskins game?”
Dammit. Elvis, can I see you over here?
“OVER IN TH’ CORNER?”
“HAHA! AH GOT YOU! THERE AIN’T NO CORNER IN THIS HERE OFFICE!”
“ISS OVAL, BOY.”
“AIN’T NAMED AFTER EDWARD P. OVAL OR NOTHIN’ LIKE THAT.”
I understand. Please come speak to me in private. Excuse us, Mr President.
“Of course. I will, uh, stand here making my signature noise.”
“Ha-roo. Yes, that’s it. I, uh, enjoy making that sound. The, uh, kids enjoy it. So does Pat. It’s an American sort of noise, and I think it is the kind of noise that will bring us to the negotiating table in Saigon.”
“AH WILL FOLLOW YOU INTO RELATIVE PRIVACY, BUT MUST WARN YOU OF MY ARMAMENTS.”
Jesus, they let you come in here with guns?
“AH WAS REFERRING TO MAH MASTERY OF THE MARTIAL ARTS. OUT OF RESPECT FOR MAH BROTHERS IN LAW ENFORCEMENT IN THE SECRET SERVICE–”
That’s right, you think you’re a cop.
“–AH HAVE DISARMED MAHSELF.”
“AH DEFINE ‘DISARMED’ AS HAVING FOUR GUNS OR FEWER ON MAH PERSON.”
How many guns do you have on your person?
“WHAT IF A WHITE HOUSE DOWN SITUATION BROKE OUT? THE HIPPIES ARE LIABLE TO TAKE THE BUILDIN’ AT ANY MOMENT. AH SAW SOME ON THE WAY IN. THEY WAS WOOLY BOOGERS, MAN.”
I don’t know what any of that means.
“WHATCHOO WANT, BOY? AH’M TALKING TO THE PRESIDENT OF THESE HERE UNITED STATES.”
Yeah. How did this happen?
“AH JUST SHOWED UP.”
And they let you in?
“AH AM ELVIS.”
Sure. Listen, what you’re thinking of is very sweet but please don’t do it.
“AH SHALL USE THE POWER OF TH’ TIME CAPE TO BRING Y’ALL A DECENT PRESIDENT. GONNA SHOOT HIM SOME HIPPIES AND VIET CONG, AN’ THEN HE GONNA TELL THE COMMIES TO LICK HIS BALLS. THASS A MAN RIGHT THERE.”
Leave Nixon where and when he is.
“DON’ YOU BE TELLIN’ THE KING WHAT TO DO, BOY! 21ST CENTURY IS FULL O’ SQUIRRELS. Y’ALL NEED THE KING AND Y’ALL NEED A LITTLE NIXON. IN YOUR HEART, YOU KNOW AH’M RIGHT.”
You are not right in my heart or any other place. Do not do this.
“YOU GONNA SIT THERE AN’ TELL ME HE AIN’T BETTER’N THAT GUY YOU GOT COMIN’ IN?”
No. Not saying that at all.
“HEY, NIX. YOU EVER HAVE HOOKERS MAKE THEIR WATER ON YA?”
“Uhhh, no. No, I have never engaged in, uh, such behaviors.”
“THERE YA GO, BOY. AH’M GONNA PACK TH’ PRESIDENT A BAG AN’ TEACH HIM ‘BOUT THE INNERNET.”
I’m begging you not to do this.
“I am prepared to serve my country.”
Oh, shut up.